Quote:
Originally Posted by CMPunk
I guess what I mean is, what motivates you to keep getting up day after day and living your life?
It's my 46th birthday this week and for the last 6 months to a year, my thoughts have gone to how much longer I want to live. The thought of living another 20-40 years just seems like a nightmare to me. My body is already breaking down, I already feel my memory going due to concussions and a family history of Alzheimer's. I can't imagine life in a nursing home, if I could even afford it.
I don't have any kids, I don't have many friends thanks to COVID and marriage. I usually work 6 days a week at two jobs to try and keep the bills paid, as I am not one of the CP elite. The only real social activity I have is hockey once or twice a week. I have family and a girlfriend that loves me, but it still doesn't feel like enough motivation to keep going.
If the Doctor told me I wasn't going to live past 50, I think that would be the biggest weight off my shoulders ever. The thought of not having to do this all anymore would be a huge relief to me. I think I'd be much happier at that point. I could make arrangements to have my loved ones taken care of, sell the house and enjoy myself one final time before that final day comes.
And yes, I will be talking to my doctor about this, however the cost of mental health isn't cheap. I think my benefits maybe cover two or three visits. I have reached out to EAP before as well, but they will only cover a handful of visits.
So how's your day been?
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Your post hit hard. I took an unpaid leave of absence from my job (high school teacher) last year and still have another year off. I basically walked away from my job due to mental health. I was terrified of going on 'stress leave' or 'mental health leave' due to how I thought it would be percieved by my coworkers. (I know I shouldn't care). So instead, I told them all I wanted to spend more time with my kids, which was also true but not the main reason.
I've been off for a year, and while I thought I'd feel better by now, I don't. I'm better in some ways, but have struggled in others. My wife has set me up with a therapist and I've been going for a few months with the goal of going back to work eventually.
Thanks for sharing, and wish you the best.