[Party Elephant]

Originally Posted by Jetfire

Yeah no kidding, there's no chance Kane would want to go to Edmonton in a million years, especially after they acquired then turfed Duncan Keith and forced him into retirement. Gregor is a complete dunce.

Not even kidding, I left this whole part of the article out:

Here’s a plausible phone conversation that puts the wheels in motion.

Duncan Keith (calling): Kaner, how are you?

Patrick Kane: Duncs, how’s the retirement home (laughs)?

Keith: Not bad. Lots of golf and licorice.

Kane: So, what’s up why you calling?

Keith: Well, I have a new job in retirement. I’m sure you saw the Kings had a 10-year reunion for their 2012 Cup win. Our 2020 reunion was cancelled due to COVID, so I’m in charge or organizing our 10-year reunion next summer. Just wondering where you think we should host it.

Kane: If this is what retirement is about I’m playing another 10 years. Why don’t you host it at your swanky pad in Kelowna? I hear it’s beautiful. Oh yeah, and thanks for all the invites to see it.

Keith: Touché. You should come out now. Weather is amazing in August. I have lots of space and endless activities for the kids. You can see how great life in Canada is.

Kane: Why would I want to know that?

Keith: Dude, you can’t seriously want to stay in Chi-town this year. You might win 25 games. If you want to be on a competitive team, you should tell your agent you’d go to Edmonton. You thought the Breadman was a sick linemate, and he was unreal, but McD and Drai are on a different level. You’d love it.

Kane: Yeah, they are slick. But how cold is it in Edmonton?

Keith: It can be cold, not doubt, but you buy a house with a garage, park in it, drive to the rink and park underground. On the super cold days you don’t have to go outside, but when I did, the cold doesn’t go through you like in Chicago. It gets colder in Edmonton, but you don’t feel as cold. I can’t explain it. But those windy days in Chicago felt colder man.

Kane: What about shoveling?

Keith: Just be like Connor and get a heated driveway. I paid two kids in my neighbourhood to shovel mine. Paid them well, gave them a few tickets to games and a signed jersey. They had the snow off my driveway before I woke up some days (laughs).

Kane: I thought this call was about the reunion, but seems more like a recruiting call.

Keith: I’m retired man. I have lots of time on my hands. Just think about where we want the 10-year celly to be and consider Edmonton. It is very similar to your hometown of Buffalo.

Do other teams have reporters that write these kinds of cringey fanfics?