Originally Posted by DoubleF
Oh man. There's a trillion things to be said, but congrats and everything will be all right is probably the main theme of everything.
There's thousands of tricks. Most of us are probably just sharing the ones we liked the most or wished we knew earlier.
On the day of the birth, take notes, pictures and videos (ie: notepad app on your phone). It'll be a whirlwind, both of you will likely be sleep deprived. Everyone wants to know the details to the minute and you'll forget. If you're often at the storage limits of yours or your partner's phone, upgrade one before birth for better photos and videos. My spouse took more photos and videos in about one year than she had done so in the past 10 years. Every single thing and stage and angle she took a picture of. Upgrade that phone or pre-compress media and upgrade that cloud storage so that you have enough space on the phone.
No one wants to talk about some parts of the story, but as the non-birthing spouse, you honestly will likely get forgotten as the focus will rightfully be on baby and mom. It's not personal. That will pass. Focus more on what your spouse and kids think that what others think.
Assuming nothing. Open communication with spouse. Miscommunication in minor details can have big domino effects. As new parents, many things become less gross quickly. Poop/vomit other gross convos over meals are more funny rather than topics that takes away appetite now.
Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Rain is normal. Anyone saying otherwise is full of crap. Figure out coping strategies and mental health strategies early and implement them.
Keep an eye out for baby blues/post partum depression in your partner and yourself. Journal frequently. Both your memories are going to be quite bad for the first bit with sleep deprivation. Many do not realize the challenges of breast feeding. For your two little ones, try teaching them to be independent ASAP and figure out how to include them in assisting in the challenging process. My spouse and I tried to shield our first from the chaos and we had him sleep over with grandparents at night for a month so that he'd get enough sleep. That was a major mistake on our part. The first month of error probably took 3-4 months to undo. Once he started to understand that he wasn't being replaced etc. things got way, way better.
Certain things on paper seem like a good idea, until you implement them. Then they're really dumb ideas. When #### hits the fan, laugh it off and revise your approach as needed. Don't over think the little things. The nature of babies is chaos. It is your role as parent to control chaos in a manageable manner. We can do our best and chaos will succeed, but chaos doesn't adapt like we can. Life can be absolute ####. You're sleep deprived, you're covered in spit up, you're hangry... and then the little one smiles in their sleep... and suddenly it might feel like all of that melts away and it's all good. Hang in there! Every stage will seem like the best and the worst stage during and via hindsight.
Rely on your gut. There's a dozen+ different variations on how to do things. When truly in doubt, call the early start help line or 811. However, babies are not as fragile as many think they are. They're much more capable of surviving that you think. In hindsight, my spouse and I laugh at how freaked out at everything we were for our first. Sanitizing, calling the poor people at the early start helpline demanding to know if things were normal, but no, they didn't understand... our kid was probably sick... etc. and then we went all "meh" for our second and the second has be surviving fine (if not better than the first). Do what feels right for you and your spouse. Remember that she holds the veto though. Babies can understand body language though. So if you're anxious and stressed, baby might be too. If you're more relaxed and happy, baby may absorb a lot of that too.
I believe we modern parents are the first ones to have decision paralysis. Dozens of way to do the same things and there's too much info out there, everyone has an opinion even if they don't necessarily deserve one. Don't get me started on the overwhelming different variations of the same technology or daily use items. The only universal rule is being consistent.
Some people deserve to be told STFU, but be tactful about it if required. I am not kind to some strangers should be told to STFU though.
Have open conversations with anyone trying to help. But if everyone is all over the place or people are overstepping boundaries, it makes the whole process chaotic and overwhelming. Most new grandparents don't recall a damn thing from raising you or your spouse. The vast majority likely will be happy to do exactly what you say. Lots of new parents worry about having to ask the grandparents to do things differently and delay for weeks to have the conversation. Almost all I spoke with said the conversation was pretty easy and some were actually excited to learn the new ways... So they were annoyed they didn't have the chat earlier.
The grandparents that make a fuss honestly are the ones that truly need to be sat down and told it's not about them. TBH, it might even be easier to divide and conquer. Grandparents help with cleaning and food, parents focus on navigating baby. For me, I had to tell one grandparent that it was not OK to be rushing into my room at 2-5 in the morning as soon as they heard a squawk and be exhausted and frazzled for the rest of the day (and technically be another person we had to take care of). We had to say that between midnight and 7 AM, stay out of the master bed room. We would do nights the way we wanted to do nights.
Consider a minivan. Seats 7-8 vs your family of 5; lower profile than SUV means lifting carriers/strollers/diaper bags etc. a lower height and trunk in floor vs at waist height means less stuff falls all over the place when door is opened; sliding door is a game changer for pulling out a carrier/bag+ without having to hold the door or making sure the kids don't slam doors into other cars; no need to play Tetris or Blockus to put things into trunk; more HP and space to haul everything you need and keep back up items than most vehicles on the market.
Congrats again!
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