Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community - View Single Post - Struggle to Make and Maintain Friends/Relationships

b1crunch · 03-14-2022, 01:24 PM

I've been debating writing this post for some time. I've decided it would be worth it even in a cathartic sense.

I'm 39 years old, happily married and have two school-aged boys. I've been successful in my career and my family is financially secure. By many measures I live a successful life.

The pandemic and other life events caused me to take a step back from my career and spend more time at home with my family. I'm currently on leave from work and will remain on leave for another year and a half. The time at home has been amazing, and allowed me to connect with my family in a much deeper way than I did before. I'm so happy to have this opportunity.

However, the time has also caused me to reflect on my life up to this point. It's made me realize (or rather focus on) things that I tried not to think much about over the last number of years. The short of it is (and I apologize because I know this post is not short) I have no friends, expect for my wife.

Not only do I not have any friends, but I have not had any friends for quite a while. If I'm being honest with myself the last meaningful relationships that I had (besides my wife) where when I was in high school, which was over 22 years ago. I've had work acquaintances over the years, but no one that I would call a friend. My sister was my 'best person' at my wedding and I had no bachelor party. I'm turning 40 this year and my parents asked if I wanted a big party to celebrate and invite people. I thought about it for a second and realized I had no one to invite, except for a few members of family.

When I was working I didn't seem to mind being friendless, but now it seems to be getting to me. I've been thinking about my old high school relationships a lot lately and have really struggled with the memories of good times with buddies. I went to high school in Ottawa, and while I can reconnect with some of them on social media, I have not seen any of them since around 1999, when I moved to Alberta. Since then, I spent my 20s working and going through university. My 30s were spent focusing on my career and raising kids. A very similar story to most people I suppose. All of it kept me busy and focused, and allowed me to ignore this hole in my life. In fact, I've read that lots of men in their middle age struggle to make and maintain friends the most. Not sure how true that is though.

I keep thinking that I need to go back to work to distract me, but I'm smart enough to know that I've now opened something that I'm not sure I can contain (ie. stop thinking about). I'm also fairly introverted, which has has probably been both a positive and negative in this situation. In that I mean that I'm quite happy being by myself most times, but it has also been a factor in what caused me to isolate myself over two decades. Now I'm nearly 40, have no friends and feel as though I don't have the interpersonal skills to make or maintain any meaningful friendships, even if I wanted to. I'm hopelessly awkward in lots of social settings. It's not something I've done in a very long time, and I'm upset with myself that I let this happen.

I'm a huge fan of Bob Dylan and I've been listening to a song of his over and over lately, called 'Mississippi'. Some of the final lines of the song read: "The emptiness is endless. Cold as the clay. You can always go back, but you can't go back all the way." I suppose these lyrics are the closest to how I've been feeling as of late.

I've been on this forum for a very long time now, and I've been visiting it daily for about 17 years. I've only ever really lurked and just started posting lately because I'm home and have free time. In some ways this place has been a small substitute for my friend struggles, because here I get the feeling of sitting and talking hockey/politics/whatever with buddies. Even if I'm just reading what you all have to say. But I suppose that is part of problem, because at the end of the day I'm just sitting on my computer by myself.

If you read this, thank you for listening. I'm honestly not looking for sympathy, as I know that everyone has their struggles. But I was alone, sitting in my house, and felt like I needed to express my thoughts somewhere. And the only place I go regularly anymore is here.

03-14-2022, 01:24 PM	#1
b1crunch Retired Join Date: Dec 2010 Exp:	Struggle to Make and Maintain Friends/Relationships I've been debating writing this post for some time. I've decided it would be worth it even in a cathartic sense. I'm 39 years old, happily married and have two school-aged boys. I've been successful in my career and my family is financially secure. By many measures I live a successful life. The pandemic and other life events caused me to take a step back from my career and spend more time at home with my family. I'm currently on leave from work and will remain on leave for another year and a half. The time at home has been amazing, and allowed me to connect with my family in a much deeper way than I did before. I'm so happy to have this opportunity. However, the time has also caused me to reflect on my life up to this point. It's made me realize (or rather focus on) things that I tried not to think much about over the last number of years. The short of it is (and I apologize because I know this post is not short) I have no friends, expect for my wife. Not only do I not have any friends, but I have not had any friends for quite a while. If I'm being honest with myself the last meaningful relationships that I had (besides my wife) where when I was in high school, which was over 22 years ago. I've had work acquaintances over the years, but no one that I would call a friend. My sister was my 'best person' at my wedding and I had no bachelor party. I'm turning 40 this year and my parents asked if I wanted a big party to celebrate and invite people. I thought about it for a second and realized I had no one to invite, except for a few members of family. When I was working I didn't seem to mind being friendless, but now it seems to be getting to me. I've been thinking about my old high school relationships a lot lately and have really struggled with the memories of good times with buddies. I went to high school in Ottawa, and while I can reconnect with some of them on social media, I have not seen any of them since around 1999, when I moved to Alberta. Since then, I spent my 20s working and going through university. My 30s were spent focusing on my career and raising kids. A very similar story to most people I suppose. All of it kept me busy and focused, and allowed me to ignore this hole in my life. In fact, I've read that lots of men in their middle age struggle to make and maintain friends the most. Not sure how true that is though. I keep thinking that I need to go back to work to distract me, but I'm smart enough to know that I've now opened something that I'm not sure I can contain (ie. stop thinking about). I'm also fairly introverted, which has has probably been both a positive and negative in this situation. In that I mean that I'm quite happy being by myself most times, but it has also been a factor in what caused me to isolate myself over two decades. Now I'm nearly 40, have no friends and feel as though I don't have the interpersonal skills to make or maintain any meaningful friendships, even if I wanted to. I'm hopelessly awkward in lots of social settings. It's not something I've done in a very long time, and I'm upset with myself that I let this happen. I'm a huge fan of Bob Dylan and I've been listening to a song of his over and over lately, called 'Mississippi'. Some of the final lines of the song read: "The emptiness is endless. Cold as the clay. You can always go back, but you can't go back all the way." I suppose these lyrics are the closest to how I've been feeling as of late. I've been on this forum for a very long time now, and I've been visiting it daily for about 17 years. I've only ever really lurked and just started posting lately because I'm home and have free time. In some ways this place has been a small substitute for my friend struggles, because here I get the feeling of sitting and talking hockey/politics/whatever with buddies. Even if I'm just reading what you all have to say. But I suppose that is part of problem, because at the end of the day I'm just sitting on my computer by myself. If you read this, thank you for listening. I'm honestly not looking for sympathy, as I know that everyone has their struggles. But I was alone, sitting in my house, and felt like I needed to express my thoughts somewhere. And the only place I go regularly anymore is here.