[Itse]

My friend Vera (native Russian speaker who's family escaped from Soviet Russia and who has vowed to never ever step a foot in that country again) is keeping it light in her FB by translating Russian humour she's seeing on social media.

Jokes obviously rarely translate well, but I thought this might humour people anyway. (Russian humour in my experience tends to be pretty dark at the best of times :P)

(I'm toning down many of the wordings here.)

To appease government censors, Tolstoy's "War and Peace" has been renamed "Special operations and Treason".

Putin at a fortuneteller:
"I see you in a limo among happy crowds, they are overjoyed, they are laughing, singing, jumping..."
"Am I waving at them?"
"No, the coffin lid is closed."

Covid-19 is withdrawing from Russia with all its variants.

The madam in a brothel hears one of the girls scream "no, no, anything but that!" The madam rushes into the room and sees the horrified young woman.
"Honey, what's happening? Did the client ask for something horrible?"
"Yes! He wanted to pay in rubles!"

"In 1978 my classmates condemned me as a traitor of the Fatherland. In 1981 they somehow found out my address and asked me to send them some jeans. In 1987 they asked for an invitation, just to see [the country she was living in]. In the 1990's they suggested doing business together. In 2000's they asked for advice in buying real estate and opening bank accounts. In 2010's they sent photos from 5-star resorts. In 2014 they told me to go #### myself because of my position on Crimea. Now they are calling me a Bandera kike because of my position on Ukraine.
The circle has closed.

Now I am expecting them to ask for jeans again."

The international credit rating agencies reduced Russia's rating from BBB to USSR.

(Ultranationalist crazyperson/politician) Zhirinovsky wakes up from a coma and gets told the news:
- We invaded Ukraine, we're threatening the US with our nuclear weapons and soon we shall wash our boots in the Indian ocean!
- Are you crazy? I never actually meant any of it!

The war has served to spread some Russian words around the world. People all over world now know "huy", "Putin huilo" and "russky korabl, idi na huy".
Another important word to learn would be "sovkodrocher", which literally means a person who masturbates at the thought of the Soviet Union, or a Soviet-wanker.
Putin is therefore sovkodrocher-in-chief.

"Why do you keep looking at the front pages of all newspapers?"
"Looking for an obituary."
"But all the obituaries are on page 16?"
"The one I am looking for will be on the first page."

Q: Whoever managed to convince people who believe Putin's BS that they are wrong, please write me which arguments were the most effective. I really need it.
A: You punch them in the face, and say that this was not a punch in the face, but a special operation to make your point to the opponent.

A man writes "Prick!" on a wall. A policeman sees it and gives the man a fine for insulting the president. "But I didn't even say who's the prick!", protests the man. "I know perfectly well who's the prick around here" answers the policeman.