Edmonton Oilers win the Stanley Cup!
It was an unconventional NHL season to say the least. As the covid-19 pandemic continued to ravage the globe, the NHL was forced to partition its teams into four divisions, playing as leagues unto themselves in a brutal 56 game round-robin format. Amid the chaos, one simple rule emerged: the first player to get to 100 points wins the Stanley Cup. On a cool, rainy, Edmonton day in May, Connor "C" McDavid did just that.
"This is how you rebuild!"
Such were the words of Edmonton Oilers' General Manager, Ken Holland, widely being hailed as the NHL's General Manager summa cum laude, by the NHL's other top executives.
"I take my hat to off to him, and kneel," said Julien BriseBois, General Manager of the reigning Stanley Cup Champion Tampa Bay Lightning. He continued,
"Sure, the Lightning have been built around a few superstar players like the Oilers are. We have Kuch (Nikita Kucherov) and Stammer (Steven Stamkos) but we never nurtured them properly. Instead we wasted time, money, and valuable cap space signing other goal-scorers like Brayden Point, and a goaltender like 2019 Vezina winner Andrei Vasilevskiy. It seems so foolish now. How was having other goal scorers, and goaltending, I mean GOALTENDING, ever going to help anyone on the team score 100 points in 53 games, thereby winning the Stanley Cup?! I deserve to be fired."
Joining in praising Holland was Stanley Cup hopeful, and General Manager of the Florida Panthers, Bill Zito.
"All I can say after seeing McDavid score 100 points to win the Stanley Cup is that I am so glad that Aaron Ekblad remains out with a terrible knee injury. He plays defense for crying out loud. What even is 'defense' when you think about it? It's just loser talk for 'I do things other than scoring.'"
Among Oilers' fans there was no shortage of love, respect, and offers of eternal bondage for the man of hour, McDavid himself.
"I married a good woman from Seattle", said Edmonton resident and McDavid superfan, Aidan McCarthy. "But, on account of she was looking to cheer for the Kraken, I had it right there in our vows that if Connor McDavid scored 100 points, thereby winning the Stanley Cup, that I was his. I go to him now, to offer myself and this dowry: a painting of he and I strolling along Jasper avenue, with my hand in his back pocket."
"He's descended from Great Caesar himself!" ...
Declared Oilers fan and University of Alberta Professor of Classical Studies, Dr. Abraham Frietzling. "I kid, of course... I think," said the Professor. The Professor was also able to shine light on the nickname 'Connor "C" McDavid.'
"I know McDavid's middle name is rumoured to by Humphrey, but "C" is just too perfect. It's the roman numeral for 100, and as captain, McDavid has the "C" on his chest. It's an emblematic reminder of this historic occasion where the Edmonton Oilers won the Stanley Cup because he scored 100 points in game 53 of a 56 game season. You could say he wears two numbers now! 97 on the back and 100 on the front!"
The Professor's observation was embraced warmly by Oilers fans across the world, with few exceptions. Among the exceptions however, and taking the news particularly hard, was Oilers die-hard, never-give-in-to-reason fanatic, David Staples.
The news that "C" is the roman numeral for 100 snapped Staples out of a delirium-like state that close associates describe as a sort of "masturbatory coma" that overtook him when McDavid reached 100 points. Unfortunately, the news also snapped him into a second delirium-like state that close associates describe as "turgid impotence" where all he does is shout "You don't come into Edmonton wearing numbers so close to 99!" over and over again.
Edmonton Stanley Cup celebrations were further dampened by covid-19 pandemic restrictions, poor weather, and news that despite winning the Stanley Cup, the Oilers could finish no higher than second in the Scotia NHL North Division, behind the Toronto Maple Leafs.