[Textcritic]

Hot off the presses!

New direction in the Capital: DC’s beleaguered NHL team installs new leadership amid a sea of change

Rockford T. Icehog, Washington City Paper

A short notice from the Washington Capitals published overnight might have escaped public attention entirely, if not for the garish and prematurely effusive self-congratulations occurring in St Louis Blues organization, following their instalment of a new management group. The Capitals very quietly announced the hiring of a new General Manager to take over the team that local fans have become accustomed to comparing unfavourably with the expansion franchise of 1974. Mr. TextCritic enters the job with no experience, and as near as this reporter can tell, no discernible skills that might acquit him to performing his new duties.

No one from the Washington front office and hockey operations department could be reached for further comment. Mr. Louie Ebenezer McDuck—controversial great-grand nephew of the legendary Duckburg USA tycoon, Scrooge McDuck—only recently assumed total ownership control of the franchise in February. He responded in an email to the City Paper this morning in a characteristically terse manner: “What do the citizens of DC expect? Have they seen this team play?” His missive reads, “Mr. Critic was one of only four respondents to our job posting on Craigslist.” He continued to say about the search process: “The other three applicants were Nigerian princes who also promised to hand over millions of dollars if only the Capitals would provide them with banking information, so they could shelter their fortunes from corrupt government officials. As tempting as these offers were, we thought it best to stick with Mr. Critic, as his command of English is quite good, and he has his own car.” One might wonder how these assets will favour the new GM in his daily responsibilities, but Mr. McDuck goes on to reveal, “Mr. Critic’s resume was 274 pages long, so while no one in the organisation actually read it, it was decided that it must contain something useful to the position."

Mr. Critic politely declined to be interviewed following the announcement, saying that his new duties have him tied up for the next while leading up to the 2020 NHL Entry Draft. However, he did issue a short statement:
“I am thrilled to be added to the Washington Capitals organisation, and am eager to tackle the many challenges ahead. Amid the global pandemic, I have nothing better to do, and this job at least pays better than what I have been drawing from EI.”

— RTI