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Itse · 12-10-2019, 09:46 AM

As someone who has finally conquered about 25 years of depression and helped a couple of others back on their feet, I think I know quite a few things that might help. You might know this stuff too, but I think it's better to put it up here than just guess.

First of all, and this is the most important thing to understand:

Depression is NOT a sickness or a disease. It does NOT (generally speaking) cure by itself. Depression is mental pain, it's a symptom caused by something or a lot of things being wrong in a persons life. Chronic depression, just like chronic pain, does not go away simply by lying in bed, just talking about what hurts or medicating it away. To heal from significant depression, you need to change something for the better in your life. To get out of depression, you need to improve your life until living stops hurting.

The insidious thing of course is that it's really hard to change things for the better when you're depressed, and it's hard to know what's wrong and how to change it. You need to consider carefully what to do. Don't be afraid to change things, but try to avoid rushing into things.

Some of the things that need to change are probably inside her, and some are probably outside. Maybe she needs to take better care of herself (use less social media, drink less, eat better, sleep more) or get a job where she's better appreciated or one that has more humane hours, or cut ties to some toxic people in her life...

Second: do not turn your relationship into a caretaking relationship if you can avoid it. You're her boyfriend (well, I assume

), not her nurse or therapist. Trying to be the latter tends to just kill the relationship. Love her, help her, support her, be explicit about the fact that you want to do those things because she needs to hear it, but if all your time together becomes about her depression, it just kills the relationship and helps no-one. You probably need to do most of the work to keep the relationship going. Set up movie nights, try to keep a sex life going (few things release stress like an orgasm... but you know: no pushing!), set up things to do with mutual friends. Be the part of her life that's does not feel broken.

Third: get support for you two. Consider recruiting her friends and relatives explicitly, or encourage her to do so. Encourage her to be open about her depression to her friends. Her friends might not know she's depressed because she's not keeping in touch. Telling them that they need to be the ones keeping in contact is useful, and helps break the shame around depression. (Of course you need to consider who in her life are trustworthy and helpful people. Also, don't go doing stuff behind her back. It's only okay to do something for her if she's okay with you doing it.)

You will also need someone to talk to that's not her, because being in a relationship with a depressed person is hard, and you don't want to complain about that to her.

She'll also benefit from having more people to talk to than just you. Other people will get things you don't. You'll get things someone else doesn't. Having lots of people to talk to is good.

Those are the three biggest things, but I have lots of more practical advice:
- She needs to sleep to heal, there's no way around that. Insomnia just in itself can drive a person to severe mental health issues. A depressed person needs more sleep than a healthy person, probably at least an hour or two more than her normal.

- Try to stop her from bashing herself verbally. Watch out for self-deprecating humour, self-criticism and irrational negative talk. This is something a lot of depressed people do, most of them constantly without realizing it, and it's also something I've found to be the thing another person can help with the most. It's something you usually don't notice before you really start paying attention to it, so you'll probably have to double check. Look at your chat history for example; things to look out especially for are "good thing happened -> somehow it's an example of something that's wrong with her".

For example my girlfriend who's now coming out of her depression used to turn basically everything into a negative comment about herself. She could get a whole lot done in a day, but if one thing went wrong she made that into THE example of how she couldn't get anything done. If she got a good grade, she'd talk about how she turned in some of the work late. If she got a friendly comment from a customer, she'd say something like "goes to show if I smiled more often..." If I said "you look good", she'd say "well for once I have makeup on" etc. If she's doing this, you're probably the person most likely to notice it, and the best person to point it out to her, because people do not realize it themself. Everyone tends to do it, but depressed people often turn self-deprecating humor into something resembling constant verbal self-mutilation.

I also needed to be talked out of this habit (by a now ex-girlfriend), and it's one of the most significant things another person has been able to directly help me with. This is a lesson I want to pay forward. Self-deprecating humor is not always healthy.

Just for clarity, key things that helped me heal from depression:
- Finding the right medication (both for insomnia and for my bipolar disorder)
- Learning to stop to say bad things about myself all the time. (This also helped me think in more healthy ways. What we say is more often than not what we think.)
- Finding a better job
- Opening up to my friends about my problems and being really honest about it
- Learning to not lie to my girlfriend about what my bad days were like. (It's really hard to get over something if you're too ashamed to even say you spent the whole day watching youtube in bed.)
- Cutting ties to my parents, who are/were really toxic people

Obviously all my advice has everything to do with my personal experiences, which is one reason I included them, but also I wanted to show how that the list of things that need to change can be quite a lot.

Less key, but still helpful things:
- Eating more veggies. (Turns out, doctors are right, eating better will help you have more energy.)
- Not constantly wallowing in "entertainment" about misery. Less sad songs, more happy songs, less horrible movies, more entertaining movies. Less depressing artsy books about depressing artsy people, more fun and informative books.

Other random notes:
- Don't settle for medication that doesn't seem to help
- Don't settle for a therapist that doesn't seem to help

Patience is important, but so is being proactive when things are not improving. Like everything, it's a balancing act.

Good luck, hope some of this is helpful.

12-10-2019, 09:46 AM	#26
Itse Franchise Player Join Date: May 2004 Location: Helsinki, Finland Exp:	As someone who has finally conquered about 25 years of depression and helped a couple of others back on their feet, I think I know quite a few things that might help. You might know this stuff too, but I think it's better to put it up here than just guess. First of all, and this is the most important thing to understand: Depression is NOT a sickness or a disease. It does NOT (generally speaking) cure by itself. Depression is mental pain, it's a symptom caused by something or a lot of things being wrong in a persons life. Chronic depression, just like chronic pain, does not go away simply by lying in bed, just talking about what hurts or medicating it away. To heal from significant depression, you need to change something for the better in your life. To get out of depression, you need to improve your life until living stops hurting. The insidious thing of course is that it's really hard to change things for the better when you're depressed, and it's hard to know what's wrong and how to change it. You need to consider carefully what to do. Don't be afraid to change things, but try to avoid rushing into things. Some of the things that need to change are probably inside her, and some are probably outside. Maybe she needs to take better care of herself (use less social media, drink less, eat better, sleep more) or get a job where she's better appreciated or one that has more humane hours, or cut ties to some toxic people in her life... Second: do not turn your relationship into a caretaking relationship if you can avoid it. You're her boyfriend (well, I assume ), not her nurse or therapist. Trying to be the latter tends to just kill the relationship. Love her, help her, support her, be explicit about the fact that you want to do those things because she needs to hear it, but if all your time together becomes about her depression, it just kills the relationship and helps no-one. You probably need to do most of the work to keep the relationship going. Set up movie nights, try to keep a sex life going (few things release stress like an orgasm... but you know: no pushing!), set up things to do with mutual friends. Be the part of her life that's does not feel broken. Third: get support for you two. Consider recruiting her friends and relatives explicitly, or encourage her to do so. Encourage her to be open about her depression to her friends. Her friends might not know she's depressed because she's not keeping in touch. Telling them that they need to be the ones keeping in contact is useful, and helps break the shame around depression. (Of course you need to consider who in her life are trustworthy and helpful people. Also, don't go doing stuff behind her back. It's only okay to do something for her if she's okay with you doing it.) You will also need someone to talk to that's not her, because being in a relationship with a depressed person is hard, and you don't want to complain about that to her. She'll also benefit from having more people to talk to than just you. Other people will get things you don't. You'll get things someone else doesn't. Having lots of people to talk to is good. Those are the three biggest things, but I have lots of more practical advice: - She needs to sleep to heal, there's no way around that. Insomnia just in itself can drive a person to severe mental health issues. A depressed person needs more sleep than a healthy person, probably at least an hour or two more than her normal. - Try to stop her from bashing herself verbally. Watch out for self-deprecating humour, self-criticism and irrational negative talk. This is something a lot of depressed people do, most of them constantly without realizing it, and it's also something I've found to be the thing another person can help with the most. It's something you usually don't notice before you really start paying attention to it, so you'll probably have to double check. Look at your chat history for example; things to look out especially for are "good thing happened -> somehow it's an example of something that's wrong with her". For example my girlfriend who's now coming out of her depression used to turn basically everything into a negative comment about herself. She could get a whole lot done in a day, but if one thing went wrong she made that into THE example of how she couldn't get anything done. If she got a good grade, she'd talk about how she turned in some of the work late. If she got a friendly comment from a customer, she'd say something like "goes to show if I smiled more often..." If I said "you look good", she'd say "well for once I have makeup on" etc. If she's doing this, you're probably the person most likely to notice it, and the best person to point it out to her, because people do not realize it themself. Everyone tends to do it, but depressed people often turn self-deprecating humor into something resembling constant verbal self-mutilation. I also needed to be talked out of this habit (by a now ex-girlfriend), and it's one of the most significant things another person has been able to directly help me with. This is a lesson I want to pay forward. Self-deprecating humor is not always healthy. Just for clarity, key things that helped me heal from depression: - Finding the right medication (both for insomnia and for my bipolar disorder) - Learning to stop to say bad things about myself all the time. (This also helped me think in more healthy ways. What we say is more often than not what we think.) - Finding a better job - Opening up to my friends about my problems and being really honest about it - Learning to not lie to my girlfriend about what my bad days were like. (It's really hard to get over something if you're too ashamed to even say you spent the whole day watching youtube in bed.) - Cutting ties to my parents, who are/were really toxic people Obviously all my advice has everything to do with my personal experiences, which is one reason I included them, but also I wanted to show how that the list of things that need to change can be quite a lot. Less key, but still helpful things: - Eating more veggies. (Turns out, doctors are right, eating better will help you have more energy.) - Not constantly wallowing in "entertainment" about misery. Less sad songs, more happy songs, less horrible movies, more entertaining movies. Less depressing artsy books about depressing artsy people, more fun and informative books. Other random notes: - Don't settle for medication that doesn't seem to help - Don't settle for a therapist that doesn't seem to help Patience is important, but so is being proactive when things are not improving. Like everything, it's a balancing act. Good luck, hope some of this is helpful. Last edited by Itse; 12-10-2019 at 09:58 AM.