Quote:
Originally Posted by Dion
If a person wants to talk, just listen and let them say whatever is on his or her mind. It's not necessary to have any answers, all they want is someone who will listen. To them it can feel like the weight has been lifted when they are finally able to talk about what's been bottled up inside them.
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A million times this, and it's actually really, really hard to do.
3 minute version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
20 minute version:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow...ty?language=en
A few more suggestions to the parents of the 20 year old:
1. Try to get your expectations out of this as much as possible. Try to let them know that it's okay to feel how they feel today, tomorrow, and as long as necessary. Obviously you want them to feel better, but try to unburden him of the shame spiral he likely feels from 'letting you down'.
2. SAD Light - quick and easy "win", though don't expect any of you to actually notice any results (though they are clinically proven). The placebo effect and ease of developing the habit are the key thing here. The timing of this crisis is probably no coincidence. Do a little research - be wary of using it very much past noon, though it might be okay if it's part of gradually shifting his schedule backwards (big assumption on my part...teens are generally wired to stay up late and sleep in late - if he's anything like me, it can be a darn hard thing to shake until well into your twenties).
3. On that note, try to forget any expectations on sleep, hydration, diet, exercise, social, etc. - those are critically important for maintaining wellness, but overwhelming obstacles at the moment. Start small with a walk outside and or/a shower + change of clothes. Can't fall asleep? Up all night playing video games? No, it's not healthy, and you shouldn't necessarily enable it, but those might also be the only hours of the day where he feels 'normal'. Baby steps/compromise - no violent video games, really try to limit social media (seeing everyone else living their pretend 'best lives' is not helpful), and hopefully not to heavy on the porn (you're fine to stay blissfully ignorant on this one).
4. As far as sleep goes - clean sheets, a good mattress, pillow, and blankets can go a long way. Of course, healthy sleep habits are important, too, but make sure the low hanging fruit is taken care of first.
5. If he's in uni, strongly consider taking winter block off, and seeking a delay on some of his course-load now (ie. 'drop' any course that is offered again in the winter, so he can pick it up in March and deal with the exam then). If he's working + living at home, strongly consider cutting hours way back, taking a leave, or just quitting.
Obviously #4 is going to depend very much on the situation, but reducing burdens/stressors is a good idea IMO. The bad news: this is probably with him for life. It will probably come back on several occasions. It is worth taking the extra time now to get to the root of the issue and start building the understanding + toolkit that will serve him when the black dog appears again in the future. It only gets harder as real-world commitments accumulate, but it is a life-long journey.
Lastly, he's not alone, and you're not alone. This is waaaaaay more common than people think.