The Pittsburgh Penguins have had enough of losing games cause of injuries. The Pens major injury woes started last season when right before the playoffs were to start they lost both their goalies to injuries. This season has been one injury after another and management are beginning to think that the team is not conditioned enough to handle the rigors of the tough CPHL schedule. All that is about to change as the Pens brought in 3 new trainers to prepare the team for the rest of the season and the playoffs. Billy Blanks, Richard Simmons, and Chuck Norris have all been hired to help condition the Penguins.
Blanks was thrilled for the oportunity to work with the Pens when reached via phone form his Los Angeles Studio: " We are gonna use the Total Awareness Excellence Body Obedience program to whip these hockey players into shape. Or as the fat chicks know it Tae Bo. With Tae Bo the Pens will be in the best shape on the ice and that is a fact." Blanks continued I bet the earnings of my next film project "Billy Don't shoot no Blanks" directed by Seymour Butts that the league will notice the difference in the conditioning of this team.
Richard Simmons was on Oprah when the gazette caught up to him he was estatic for the chance to work with a professional hockey team. " This is just wonderful. I will whip those boys into shape both physically and mentally. It will be marvelous to sweat to the oldies after each game. We plan on having group and one on one therapy sessions as well as more group hugs, and of course we will be watching "sweatin to the oldies" volumes 1-3 on the tv's after each game while riding the stationary bikes. These boys will be whipped into shape after I am done with them."
Chuck Norris sat down for an interview with the Gazette about his new position:
Gazette: Chuck how long do you think it will before we start seeing a difference in our players?
Chuck: We don't go by time. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Gazette: Ok...So how do you think your strategy will work with the other hired trainers?
CN: It doesn't matter, Contrary to popular belief, This relationship is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Gazette: Richard Simmons says he plans to gain the players respect and get to their heart with group sessions, what do you think about this approach.
CN: He is wasting his time, the quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Gazette: So do you plan to helping the players pick up for themselves as part of your training?
CN: Well I will police this league and anyone who gets out line will hear from me no matter where they are, I am pretty sure that Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Time will tell if these changes will have a positive affect on the Pens injury woes, but one thing is for sure, things can't get much worse.