Quote:
Originally Posted by 81MC
Pretty pathetic I suppose, but how do you all go about creating friendships in your adult years? Since I’ve moved to the City (almost a decade ago) the only friends I developed were through work, or the ex. So with a job change, those work buddys gradually started becoming more like fond memories. 10 years now, and (as bad as this sounds), I had two friends who live here...and ones my ex and the other is a bit of a particular situation.
I really like my own space and time, but sometimes I do miss having real adult relationships just for the fun of them.
So, how did you meet your ‘friends’, and do you actively seek out new people? Are you so busy you don’t have time for them, or do you wish you had more? Yada Yada Yada.
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You're not alone in this challenge. I hear it all the time as I talk with people, and I've faced it myself after relocating from city-to-city a number of times over the years. It is increasingly difficult to find "friends" for a number of reasons.
First, I think framing is important here. I think you need to identify what you consider a friend? Are you looking to that close confidant that you can tell all your troubles to, or are you looking for more of an acquaintance who you can go to the movies or the bar with and have a few laughs? There is a major difference.
Personally, I consider most of my relationships to be acquaintances, people who you can have dinner or drinks with, but not people you get very close with. To me a friend is someone who is giving and supportive in your relationship at all times. A friend will be the first to say yes when you need to move, or check on you when they hear you're sick, or offer to go out of their way in your time of need. A best friend is someone who would put your well being ahead of their own - someone that would lie down in traffic for you. These are few are very far between, and you may have two or three of them in your life time, so treasure them when you have them. They are not easy to find, but you have them for life, even when you drift apart.
The making friends thing is a challenge and does get more difficult as we get older. I think it is part of the aging process. As we get older we get a little more jaded and distrustful of people. We tend to focus in on our own pursuits and interests and get distracted from working on relationships with others outside our immediate sphere. Once you get married your focus tends to be on your spouse, so they should become your best friend. Once you have kids, your focus starts and ends on them. For me, that is when many friendships drifted apart or flat out ended. The child bearing years makes developing friendships very difficult, especially if you don't have kids or kids the same age.
Psychologically, we are driven to find people who are like us and share the same ideals as us. Our in-group membership is driven by this innate need. This will make friendships easier to establish and much stronger, so do a little bit of introspection and then decide what is most important to you and what values you hope to find in people. This may seem a little too analytical, but it will ultimately decide where you are most likely to find those friendships you are looking for. For example, if you think that faith and temperance are important qualities, then a church group is probably a better place to go looking for friends than the local pub.
I think some people have put out some really good ideas to follow through on. Get involved in a club where your interests are. Having something in common with the other person will make initial interactions easier and bonding quicker. Consider taking a class of interest at the local community college. You will be surrounded with people with the exact same interests as you. A great place to meet interesting people is a cooking class, and they are perfect situations where you have time to chat and get to know the other people. Plus, as you talk about food and great places to eat, you will likely have opportunity to invite others, or yourself along, to adventures in epicurean exploration.
The most important thing to do when trying to make new friendships is to make sure you put yourself out there. Be open and be trusting. As I mentioned earlier, it is tougher as we get older as we naturally become less trusting as we age, but you must show others you are willing to make the effort. And don't judge a book by it's cover. Some people may appear to be one way on the surface, but once you get to know them they be the greatest of people and become some of your best friends. Sometimes the best friend is that wallflower staring at their feet and doing their best not to make eye contact.
Thank you for making this thread as it reminded me just how important friendships are, and that we have to work to keep them alive and healthy. Now I have to go and send some emails to some really important people who I have not made enough time for lately and be a better friend.