[Crazy Bacon Legs]

Many people don’t realize this, but a hockey card is a just a physical representation of a player, and is not the actual player himself. I was extremely confused when I once met Johnny Gaudreau in person, and yet I owned his hockey card. My mind was a whirling vortex of dissonance as I slowly came to the realization that I did not own the actual Johnny Gaudreau, nor was he currently at home in my “special treasures” drawer. It turns out that ink is printed on cardstock, and that you possess what amounts to an image of that player (also with stats and fun facts.) I did further research, and it turns out you can’t even own a person legally.

Similarly, that statue of Julius Caesar I saw during my ill-fated trip to Italy was a bronze sculpture of the famous Emperor, and not the actual Julius Caesar (shoutout to the Colombo family; sorry about what happened to your vineyard.) Nevertheless, I was impressed with his ability to hold still for the three hours I waited for him to move, and he never so much as blinked despite my famous patience and attention to detail. That is a game you only win by not playing.

I also learned recently that the photograph of myself I own is not a clone. It’s just stuff printed on special media that is representative of me. It’s an image of me. Light rays strike that image, reflect into my eyes, and project an image of those light rays onto my retina. My brain interprets those light rays and that’s what I’m seeing. It’s a relief because I thought all those photos taken of myself were all clones, and I had a rather convoluted plan concocted to kill them all to assert my supremacy. But they are all just photographs. They can’t hurt you.

So to answer your question: I guess it’s my Johnny Gaudreau card. It’s the only one I own.