[wwkayaker]

I struggled with posting my own story but it might help people understand. I was diagnosed with PTSD 2 years ago. Having learned a lot about the illness, I have probably been struggling with the illness for much longer but it was initially diagnosed as depression.

There are many components to PTSD. Suicidal thoughts is a huge issue with my PTSD. I have had daily thoughts of suicide for about two years. The thoughts are not in passing but dominate my thinking for hours a day. I have not attempted suicide but I have a plan of how I would go about it. I have shared everything with my doctor, counsellor, and psychiatrist. These folks give me support and strategies for dealing with the thoughts. For me, suicide is a way to end the constant pain that comes with the illness. Basically, suicide would happen when I could no longer cope with the pain and the strategies were exhausted; I don’t believe I will ever choose that route. In my experience, counselling and therapy are paramount to avoiding suicide. My counsellor and doctor have provided so much value that I could write pages about it. The trouble is that many people don’t go for various reason including the stigma involved.

Mental illness has a terrible stigma that brings about a lot of shame and embarrassment. These illnesses are not easy to explain or fix and it is not something that one just gets over. My circle of friends is getting smaller because I have found that some people don’t get it and have judged me. In the past few months, I have let go of several friendships due to comments and assumptions that were made. Essentially, the comments were negative and left me questioning myself followed by intense feelings of shame and suicide. On the flip side, I have had some friendships grow stronger because buddies have been completely non judgemental and always there for me. Similar to GullFoss, I have had some friends do exceptional things for me. This summer in Idaho, a group of friends surprised me with a Canada Day party complete with trivia, Canadian Club whiskey, and Canada flags. On my birthday, about 40 friends gathered by the river and celebrated my birthday; a few of the friends even drove 100kms round trip to join me for burgers and cake. A birthday card signed by those friends sits on my tv stand as a reminder of my value. As well, my friends are already making plans for the next Canada Day and birthday. Those are the moments I cling to when I have tough moments; it’s kind of tough to off myself when people are planning parties for me and I see that they value me. If I had a friend who was suicidal, I would look to make a special moment that is about the individual and makes them challenge their perceptions of their self worth.

When I was first prescribed antidepressants, I was worried about the suicidal risks associated with the drugs. I asked my counsellor how antidepressants cause suicide because I wanted to know what to look for with my behaviour and feelings. She explained that the drugs don’t cause suicide as a side effect. Essentially, a mentally ill person may be so depressed or sick that they can’t even motivate themselves to commit suicide. Once the drugs start working, it actually improves a person to a point at which they can now motivate themselves to commit suicide and actually act on the impulse. So, if someone you care for has been recently precribed antidepressants, it is worth keeping an eye on their behaviour.

If you have read this far, the last thing I would worry about with a mentally ill person is to try to understand them. Be empathetic, non judgemental, and supportively listen but what they may be going through may make no sense at all and most folks don’t have the training to understand. With my PTSD, most of my thought patterns are irrational and I know that. I tried to make people understand...it was pointless. I think the only people that understand are my counsellor and psychiatrist.

Long post but hopefully it sheds some light on suicide for the OP and others.