Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzz
I still don't think it is unreasonable to question why it was that she didn't come forward. You can't get to #2 and #3 without that. And we can't even discuss it without getting called insensitive. I get the feeling a lot of guys might like to understand more, but when I feel like I'm walking on eggshells even mentioning it, how can we foster a discussion around it? So if your point is to crap on people who may be looking for understanding around it, and why it worked well in one case(that I provided) I don't think you should be beating me over the head with my questions.
Would I ever ask that directly of someone who was abused? Of course not. but it seemed a good jumping off point to know what could possible compel someone to put up with that much abuse for 3 years. Hell, you said it yourself, you wouldn't stay in the position. So why did she? What was different in the Jason Nixon case? I'd love to see more of those come to light because it tells the abuser they won't get away with it, and the abused that coming forward doesn't mean getting ignored.
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Okay, you're getting somewhat close to the point.
It's okay to ask about and discuss what circumstances made her decide to stay, that's an important discussion to have.
It's also VERY important to frame those questions properly.
You said you would never ask her directly and that's my point. You're asking a question only she can answer, so if you would never ask it to her face, what value does it have?
If you can't ask the question, particularly the way you phrased it, to the victim, then you need to think about what that question, and the way it is phrased, are projecting.
I would never ask a woman in this situation"Why didn't you do something?".
I would definitely ask her "Why couldn't you do something until now?"
It may seem like a subtle difference, but it's a very important one.
The first question is asking her to explain herself. She's not likely to respond to that as it implies blame.
The second question is asking her to explain her circumstances and what was done TO her. Those are the kinds of questions that we should be asking.
Ultimately, that's my point. You may have meant to ask question #2, but you explicitly asked question #1, and when I pointed out that it's not an appropriate or relevant question you got defensive (called me a muppet) and acted like you were being attacked ("At the risk of being called a rapist").