[Crazy Bacon Legs]

I’m not at the point of panic yet. But I’m getting close.

It’s like that feeling you get when you’re driving through the mountains, and it’s been raining but it’s right near the point of freezing rain. You’re going the speed limit, but it’s just a little bit slick. The kids are in the back seat and they are yelling and jumping around. You bark at them to put their seatbelts on, but they won’t listen. The dog ate a cactus and is vomiting needles everywhere. You feel a scurrying by your right foot and look down. It’s the stupid hedgehog! One of the kids has let the danged hedgehog out and it’s running around by your feet. The hedgehog jumps on the gas pedal and you swear it actually tries to push it down. The car accelerates. One of the children throws their Slurpee at the windshield. Why is the stupid kid even drinking a Slurpee? It’s freezing outside! You begin to doubt your wife’s fidelity. Can these really be your progeny? Did these little demons really spring forth from your loins?

The car picks up speed and the rear end starts to fishtail. The hedgehog starts screaming evil incantations at you. There is slushy cola everywhere, and it drips down the back of your neck as the car begins to slide. It’s so chilly down the back of your neck! That’s the worst!

You slide toward the guardrail and you can’t see if that’s ice ahead, or super grippy rubber. You hope for the super grippy rubber, but you’re not sure if that’s actually a thing they put on mountain roads. Your heart skips a beat, and you begin to wonder just how squishy the rocks over that cliff ahead are. Are the rocks squishier than you? Doubtful. You know you still have a chance to make it, but it’s not a very good one. Maybe if you throw that evil hedgehog out the window in time, you could adjust and get back on the road and cruise to safety. A sacrifice is needed, but what will appease the gods who so obviously hate you?

It’s like that, except with hockey.