[jammies]

Bartkowski is so terrible that the Flames will not only lose this next game, but the NHL will undoubtedly take away two points they've already earned and award them to a non-Bartkowski team. Hundreds of kindly grandmas will slip on ice, and all previously friendly dogs in a hundred mile radius will go feral and bite your child. During the broadcast (Flames home region only, luckily for the sanity of the world), a Dougie photobomb will go terribly awry when a jealous Bartkowski kills and eats Roger Millions in a cannibalistic ritual intended to grant him satanic hockey powers and the sweet flow of Jagr's hair.

The next day at practice, he will forget his skates and use puppies on his feet instead, ignoring their piteous whines as he practices identifying and then giving the puck away to the most dangerous player on the other team. He will steal all the hockey tape from the equipment guy's bag and blame it on "some kids I saw hanging around and smoking". Unless - somehow - he can be stopped by the righteous outrage of a plucky bunch of underdog CP posters.