hey guys
thanks you again for all the kind words. it gets harder and harder to post in this thread.
today for many of you it is a holiday - labour day... september 4th. for me, well, i was able to go to hospice this morning with lunch for my folks and wish them a happy 52nd anniversary. i don't have to words to express how awesome it was to do that.
the last couple weeks have been tough. as i mentioned before my dad has good days and bad days (the ups and downs are kinda like a sin/cos/tan wave). as his cancer continues to spread it continues to make life more and more difficult for him. his liver is doing less and less everyday which results in more and more toxins in his system with every passing day. the combination of meds/cancer/toxins really mess with his head and result in more and more confusion, hallucinations and agitation every day. i think the agitation is a result of him no longer being able to do things that he knows he used to be able to do with ease and that he knows his head is getting more and more messed up.
he was doing really well (all things considered) up until this past friday, at which point my mom started staying the night at hospice to be by his side while he slept. he woke up in the middle of the night on thursday and while trying to get to the bathroom he fell twice - that's never a good thing. with my mom there, she can make sure he gets to the bathroom. the kicker is that now she's no longer getting a good night's sleep and it just makes things harder.
i've continued to bring my mom and dad lunches every day - and they both appreciate it so much. my mom often tells me that as soon as i get there that my dad immediately perks up and is "the best he's been all day".
earlier this week i contacted a florist and gave them the coles notes version of what today means to my folks/family. i made arrangements to have a bouquet made up for my mom and was so thankful that the florist was able to get irises brought in for the bouquet. my mom absolutely loves irises and for them to be in the bouquet means soooo much to her. on saturday i was chatting with one of the hospice employees (dianne - i'm not sure if she is an rn or support staff, but she is awesome!). i mentioned that monday (today) would be my folks 52nd anniversary and i could see the gears were working in her head - more on that in a minute.
yesterday was a really really tough day. it's almost like a switch got flicked in my dad's head and he just became so much more confused, very very agitated and very confrontational. as a result, they gave my dad a pretty heavy sedative last night - partly to help him sleep thru the night and partly to keep him mellow. he had a nightmare a couple nights ago that the mob was out to get him and for what ever reason he thinks that my mom is part of this mob and doesn't believe that she's his wife. so yea - like i said, sunday was a really tough day.
this morning was another 5am wake up - firing up the smoker so i could bring my folks a rib lunch on their anniversary. when we got to hospice my dad was out cold in a kinda recliner/wheelchair thing (again... heavily sedated) and my mom was visiting with some very dear friends of theirs (they are an awesome couple that i've known for over 25 years). i gave my mom the bouquet and she immediately teared up.... but that was nothing compared to the tears she got when i gave her the anniversary card that my dad had signed a little over a month ago. honestly though, the timing of the card couldn't have been better. i said, 'mom, i brought dad a bunch of anniversary cards a while ago and he chose this one for you.' this is the card....
Image0035 by
bc-chris, on Flickr
Image0039 by
bc-chris, on Flickr
it's signed "all my love. ed"
for my mom to be able to read that and to have my dad's loved reaffirmed to her just a day after he no longer believed that she was his wife was such a blessing. it's safe to say that there wasn't a dry eye in the room. i also gave my mom a card from my wife and i which was awesome, especially since i didn't think i'd be needing to get an anniversary card this year.
after we 'collected' ourselves it was time to eat... so time to talk about dianne. she had reserved the table in the dining room for us for lunch and had brought in a bunch of her own stuff to make our meal just that much more special... a table cloth, placemats, a small bouquet center piece and some decorations. we wheeled my dad over to the table, took our seats and enjoyed a great meal together (even though my dad was still out cold). my mom had to go get something from my dad's room and while she was gone my dad started to stir a bit, so i went over and said hi. he asked what i was doing there and i told him that i brought him a rib lunch! he immediately blurted out, "well i want some!!!" ha! ha! i almost lost but was able to keep it together. my mom was just getting back to the table so i told her that dad wanted some ribs. becuz of the amount of sedation he has they don't really want him eating solids for fear of choking, so my mom got some really small pieces of ribs and fed him. it was awesome to see him have one of his favourite meals one last time, even if it was just a little taste.
dianne came by, and after wiping away some tears she went into the hospice kitchen and came out with some cake for us. like i said - she's awesome.
so yea - that was my day in a nutshell. it's so hard to see my dad sedated the way he is now, but even just little things like earlier today when he realized i was there and had brought him ribs shows me that dad is still in there and there are no meds, toxins or cancers that can stop that connection i have with my dad.
i know it's only a matter of time now - likely a few days and he will be gone, but i am so thankful that over the last 7+ months since my dad's diagnosis that i've been able to reaffirm my love to my dad and mom over and over again.
i'm going to miss him. a lot.
chris