Hmm...
I'm afraid of dying alone and a big reason as to why I'm alone is because I've pushed women out of my life that I've been in relationships with due to my own issues. Pushed friends away.. family at times, Like they would be better without me. I haven't been truely happy in a long time and a lot of the time feel like my life is falling apart even though I have a lot of good things in my life that Inwish I could share with someone but I seem to just focus always on negatives. I've always had this inclination that nothing is ever good enough? Like I'm mad at the world.. I don't know why.
I lost my best friend to suicide 9 years ago and another friend to murder shortly before that happened.. all in my mid to late teens. I think some of these issues I'm having now is because of this, like I feel anyone who is close to me will perish and I just can't handle another close person in my life die. I spent years rebelling, drinking heavily. The last 2 years have been particularly hard, I still abuse alcohol a lot of the time and I believe it's because I'm starting to realize as I go into my late 20s that my window to find someone is closing and realizing how could I love someone if a lot of the time I hate myself. Damn even writing this scares me.
I know what I should do, yet don't have the balls to do so, or as this topic is about... scared to do. I know I should go talk to a therapist or whomever else but don't really know how to go about doing this. One day I hope to walk in that door and ask for help, and do it before it's to late.
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