[wwkayaker]

Nickerjones:

There are many websites devoted to explaining suicide. They might be of some benefit to you. Alternatively, you could make it known that you are willing to listen to people if they have suicidal thoughts...friends or acquaintances may come forward. If that is the case, be genuine and listen. Obviously, suicide is very personal and what one feels will not be shared by the next person.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after working for years on native reserves. For the past several months, my days have swung from hours of intense anger to hours of suicidal thoughts. I have two people that have shown a genuine interest in listening to me and wanting to help/understand. Despite their receptiveness, I have a hard time talking to these 2 friends as I don't want my pain to impact them. In my experience, most people say they will listen but don't know how to or truly aren't able to broach the subject.

My counsellor has been somewhat helpful when speaking about suicide in that she listens to my explanation. My GP has not been very helpful in the listening department; she is supportive but it is mostly about meds. It has been somewhat frustrating.

All of this being said, I don't think I will actually follow through on suicide. My PTSD experience has evolved into a constant anguish or pain which is tough for me to explain. Trying to force myself into doing activities I used to enjoy is exhausting. Combatting the negative feelings and thoughts is also exhausting. I used to think of suicide as a selfish act. I no longer hold that view; suicide is out of desperation. Like Dion said above, the experience of being in a dark tunnel and trying to reach the light is a huge battle. In my last conversation with my counsellor, I told her that I was weary and exhausted. It is tiring trying to overcome something that one does not truly understand. She understood what I meant but most people I share my story with can't relate.