Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community - View Single Post - Briefing for Imperial Oil Employees Moving from TO

Vernie_30 · 11-08-2004, 11:51 PM

1. Upon arrival at Calgary airport, you will be taken into a small room >and > > >frisked for rats. Some of the guys from Alberta's fabled "rat patrol" >don't > > >smell that good, crawling around as they do in grain bins out on the > > >Saskatchewan border. But, as a bona fide cowboy once told me at the >Calgary > > >Stampede Ranch at Hanna: "A woman likes a man with a bit of odor to >him." > > > > > >

2. Things you need to know: > > > > > >a) That swanky building at the foot of Centre Street is not the >Petroleum > > >Club, it's the Calgary Homeless Shelter; > > >b) Always get your tent poles and stove in the back of your chuck wagon >and > > >if your outrider is late, it's a one -second penalty; > > >c) When driving downtown, follow this simple rule: 4th, 5th, 6th, >9th,11th, > > >and 12th are one-ways east and west. Macleod, 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, >7th, > > >and 9th are one-ways north-south. Allow yourself several days to find >the > > >front entrance of TD Centre for the first time. The phrase "can't get >there > > >from here" was invented in Calgary. > > > > > >

3. After a week or so, we will need to "de-snob" you. You will be taken >to > > >Buzzards and force-fed a plate of prairie oysters. After that, you will >be > > >locked in a padded room and forced to listen to Calgary radio, where >you > > >will hear a constant diet of Iron Butterfly, Led Zeppelin and other >classic > > >rock, including Layla by Derek and the Dominoes, not just Eric Clapton, >and > > >never the unplugged version. > > > > > >

4. Lies people will tell you: > > > > > >a) "I can be downtown from Shawnessy in 20 minutes;" > > >b) "It's a dry cold." > > > > > >

5. There is no need in Calgary to worry about raccoons going through >your > > >garbage, banging around and waking you up at night. However, there is >that > > >pesky mountain lion in Fish Creek Park. > > > > > >

6. Roy Thomson Hall, the Art Gallery of Ontario and the Royal Ontario >Museum > > >= Heritage Park, Zoolights and Frank Sisson's Silver Dollar Casino. > > > > > >

7. Unlike the long, languid days of dappled sunlight filtering through >red > > >maple leaves, autumn in Calgary lasts three days. You're not in >Tillsonburg > > >anymore, Toto. > > > > > >

8. Local celebrity you have to love, or risk getting your a-- kicked in >this > > >town: Joe Carbury, the voice of the Calgary Stampede. > > > > > >

9. Local celebrity you can love, but still make fun of: Darr Maqbool. > > > > > >

10. A good place to choose an outfit for the annual Imperial Oil Ltd. >S&M > > >Ball is Barbie's Shop, a fetish store on 4th Street. > > > > > >

11. They make a great wor wonton at King's Restaurant on Barlow and >Centre > > >Avenue, of all places. > > > > > >

12. Ginger beef and the "red eye" (beer with Clamato) were invented in > > >Calgary. Really. > > > > > >

13. To get rid of those awful Great Lakes-style pollution problems in > > >Alberta, we simply did away with lakes. > > > > > >

14. You'll know you are a true Calgarian when you know the meaning of >these: > > >Bronco, Iggy, The Dungeon, Kipper and "a-ring-a-ding-dong-dandy." > > > > > >

15. Now that you have sold your cottage in Muskoka (average waterfront > > >price, $349,483, according to Royal LePage) you will need to purchase a >new > > >weekend getaway. Unfortunately, the average house price in Canmore in >the > > >second quarter of this year was $393,834, leaving you $44,351 poorer. >One > > >real estate agent in Canmore, Bob Warwick, is a bagpiper, bringing new > > >meaning to "pay the piper." > > > > > >

16. Unlike the boring grid system of Toronto, Calgary streets are laid >out > > >in a quaint quadrant system. One sign on 16th Avenue North (West) >reads: > > >"14th Street West South." Don't worry. It will all be clear in about >four > > >years. > > > > > >

17. Things they don't tell you: a chinook warms us up in winter, but >brings > > >its own form of barometric hell -- the famous "chinook headache." >Chinooks > > >also have been known to topple semi-trailers on the Trans-Canada >Highway > > >between Lethbridge and Medicine Hat. > > > > > >

18. To keep life uncomplicated, we don't have hundreds of Greek >restaurants > > >like the Danforth, but you can go to the Broken Plate in Kensington. > > > > > >

19. Good news: we have no stifling humidity. Bad news: the moisture >content > > >in our air has been scientifically proven to be equal to that of Corn > > >Flakes. > > > > > >

20. Shaganappi is not a dirty word. It's yahoo, not yeehaw. And there >hasn't > > >been an exposed breast on the Red Mile since June. > > >

Mods: Move It If You Think It Should Be In Off Topic.

11-08-2004, 11:51 PM	#1
Vernie_30 Powerplay Quarterback Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Calgary, Alberta Exp:	1. Upon arrival at Calgary airport, you will be taken into a small room >and > > >frisked for rats. Some of the guys from Alberta's fabled "rat patrol" >don't > > >smell that good, crawling around as they do in grain bins out on the > > >Saskatchewan border. But, as a bona fide cowboy once told me at the >Calgary > > >Stampede Ranch at Hanna: "A woman likes a man with a bit of odor to >him." > > > > > > 2. Things you need to know: > > > > > >a) That swanky building at the foot of Centre Street is not the >Petroleum > > >Club, it's the Calgary Homeless Shelter; > > >b) Always get your tent poles and stove in the back of your chuck wagon >and > > >if your outrider is late, it's a one -second penalty; > > >c) When driving downtown, follow this simple rule: 4th, 5th, 6th, >9th,11th, > > >and 12th are one-ways east and west. Macleod, 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, >7th, > > >and 9th are one-ways north-south. Allow yourself several days to find >the > > >front entrance of TD Centre for the first time. The phrase "can't get >there > > >from here" was invented in Calgary. > > > > > > 3. After a week or so, we will need to "de-snob" you. You will be taken >to > > >Buzzards and force-fed a plate of prairie oysters. After that, you will >be > > >locked in a padded room and forced to listen to Calgary radio, where >you > > >will hear a constant diet of Iron Butterfly, Led Zeppelin and other >classic > > >rock, including Layla by Derek and the Dominoes, not just Eric Clapton, >and > > >never the unplugged version. > > > > > > 4. Lies people will tell you: > > > > > >a) "I can be downtown from Shawnessy in 20 minutes;" > > >b) "It's a dry cold." > > > > > > 5. There is no need in Calgary to worry about raccoons going through >your > > >garbage, banging around and waking you up at night. However, there is >that > > >pesky mountain lion in Fish Creek Park. > > > > > > 6. Roy Thomson Hall, the Art Gallery of Ontario and the Royal Ontario >Museum > > >= Heritage Park, Zoolights and Frank Sisson's Silver Dollar Casino. > > > > > > 7. Unlike the long, languid days of dappled sunlight filtering through >red > > >maple leaves, autumn in Calgary lasts three days. You're not in >Tillsonburg > > >anymore, Toto. > > > > > > 8. Local celebrity you have to love, or risk getting your a-- kicked in >this > > >town: Joe Carbury, the voice of the Calgary Stampede. > > > > > > 9. Local celebrity you can love, but still make fun of: Darr Maqbool. > > > > > > 10. A good place to choose an outfit for the annual Imperial Oil Ltd. >S&M > > >Ball is Barbie's Shop, a fetish store on 4th Street. > > > > > > 11. They make a great wor wonton at King's Restaurant on Barlow and >Centre > > >Avenue, of all places. > > > > > > 12. Ginger beef and the "red eye" (beer with Clamato) were invented in > > >Calgary. Really. > > > > > > 13. To get rid of those awful Great Lakes-style pollution problems in > > >Alberta, we simply did away with lakes. > > > > > > 14. You'll know you are a true Calgarian when you know the meaning of >these: > > >Bronco, Iggy, The Dungeon, Kipper and "a-ring-a-ding-dong-dandy." > > > > > > 15. Now that you have sold your cottage in Muskoka (average waterfront > > >price, $349,483, according to Royal LePage) you will need to purchase a >new > > >weekend getaway. Unfortunately, the average house price in Canmore in >the > > >second quarter of this year was $393,834, leaving you $44,351 poorer. >One > > >real estate agent in Canmore, Bob Warwick, is a bagpiper, bringing new > > >meaning to "pay the piper." > > > > > > 16. Unlike the boring grid system of Toronto, Calgary streets are laid >out > > >in a quaint quadrant system. One sign on 16th Avenue North (West) >reads: > > >"14th Street West South." Don't worry. It will all be clear in about >four > > >years. > > > > > > 17. Things they don't tell you: a chinook warms us up in winter, but >brings > > >its own form of barometric hell -- the famous "chinook headache." >Chinooks > > >also have been known to topple semi-trailers on the Trans-Canada >Highway > > >between Lethbridge and Medicine Hat. > > > > > > 18. To keep life uncomplicated, we don't have hundreds of Greek >restaurants > > >like the Danforth, but you can go to the Broken Plate in Kensington. > > > > > > 19. Good news: we have no stifling humidity. Bad news: the moisture >content > > >in our air has been scientifically proven to be equal to that of Corn > > >Flakes. > > > > > > 20. Shaganappi is not a dirty word. It's yahoo, not yeehaw. And there >hasn't > > >been an exposed breast on the Red Mile since June. > > > Mods: Move It If You Think It Should Be In Off Topic. __________________ (Was Vernie_29)