According to Judge Judy, changes to a rental contract are only valid if they are done in the same form as the original agreement. No idea if that applies in Canada.
Are you prepared to move if you don't get the reduction? Your planned message comes across to me as kind of snarky, which is fine if you don't care, but if you are just trying to see what kind of reduction you can get and will end up staying regardless, it might not be the best way to word things.
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