I figured I need some new jokes to tell, and need a good laugh every now and again. So i'll start it off.
Deilvery : When being the drunk guy, you have to slur your speech, act like an Irishman, you know.
So this guy is loaded at a bar and looks troubled.
"Whats up pal?" The bartender asks him.
"Well, I'm in a heap of trouble... my wife told me not to get drunk tonight... and as you can see, im looooaaded... and i've puked all over my shirt"
"Ah! No sweat mate" The barman begins.. " here is what you do."
"Go to the bank machine, take out $20 and put it in your shirt pocket. Now, when you get home, you tell your wife that it was the funniest thing... You happened to be walking past the pub on your way home and some drunk puked on your shirt. He gave you $20 for the trouble and to get it cleaned".
"asshhh... that a great idea!" the drunk replies.
So the drunk goes home, and sure enough the wife is PI$$ED OFF. She beings to yell at him, and he inturrupts her and tells her the story of how a drunk puked on his shirt and gave him $20.
"What? There is $40 here!" The wife exclaims!
"Oh yeah.. he $hit in my pants too!"
