[Crazy Bacon Legs]

Sorry I saw this thread a little late, but I think I can shed some light on this situation.

I am assuming that you went through the regular seven stage hiring process they've had since the Provincial standards were introduced in 2003? I know that the process has changed over the years, but congrats on getting through it (especially the animal husbandry and rope climb).

As you well know, you'll be expected to (a) keep riff raff out; (b) keep riff raff in; (c) prevent the riff raff from inside from mingling with the riff raff from outside, due to elemental instability; and (d) pick up gum wrappers and glower at people. Watch for people trying to sneak in, or trying to sneak out, because they are all up to something. Probably trying to either move contraband in or out. I don't even think those people know where they want the contraband to be (hence them constantly moving it in and out... make up your minds!)

They used to prohibit the use of footwear by employees, but there was that one incident with the cooking spray-coated floor (RIP Dancin' Jimmy), so you can wear something on your feet now. Also, they realized the cooking spray floor thing wasn't as fun as they thought it would be once the law suits started rolling in. Funny thing is, they advertised that as a big feature that year! "See the cooking spray-coated floor!" on all the posters. What were they thinking?

They allow people to wear jeans while working there if they're pleated and pressed. And for Pete's sake, shine your boots! If you look like a slob, it will attract riff raff, and we all know there's enough of that bound to show up already. Plus, Pete has been known to send people home for even minor boot scuffs.

Understand the chemical processes involved in the metabolism of alcohol. An advanced degree in biochemistry might do the trick for this, but I recommend a PhD in toxicology. Wear your sunscreen, and keep your fingers out of your mouth. They watch for that. I know a guy who got 15 fingers crammed in his mouth before they caught him, and it's pretty well known he would have gone for more. It resulted in a bit of an international incident. Be smart out there, and play safe!

On your first day, walk straight up to the biggest, meanest looking guy there and punch him square in the face. It's the only way you'll establish yourself in the social hierarchy and be able to survive your time there. Sharpen a toothbrush and occasionally brandish it menacingly at the patrons. You will earn their fear and loathing, but also their begrudging respect. They will know your will is not to be trifled with.

Important: Do not show up for work next week. There's definitely no Stampede next week (I checked). There is also no Stampede the following week, but after that my calendar just sort of ends. I have no idea where I got a calendar that ends in mid-May, but it's all I really have. I think it's a new thing the calendar vendors have been working on to get you hooked: show you the first four and a half months for a low price, then jack it up to get you to buy the rest of the year. It's sort of a scam I guess, but I think I'll spend the money to get the rest of the year, just to see how it ends. The problem is, I probably won't have the money for that until maybe mid-June, but I'm not even sure when that is (I don't have a calendar that goes that far.) So if you have a chance, could you maybe tell me when June is so I can buy a calendar?

Thanks for your help!