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troutman · 04-08-2015, 02:01 PM

Cecily Strong: Alright. Okay, so, Jebidiah, have you seen all of this year's Best Picture nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: Of course! I have been witness to every motion picture since the dawn of cinema... and I'm not impressed!

Cecily Strong: Okay, look, I know you're known as a harsh critic, but I'd be surprised if you didn't enjoy at least a few of this year's nominees.

Jebidiah Atkinson: Would you...? [ he shoots Cecily a dirty look ] Well, I assure you, Cecily, I've watched each nominated film closely, and I think you'll find my reviews to be considered and completely balanced. [ reading ] "This year's 9 Best Picture nominees are the WORST movies ever made!!

"Her": "Guess who was bored by this movie? HIM!! [ he points to himself ] Even the main character spent the whole movie texting. [ he holds a dirty look to the audience ]

"Dallas Buyers Club"! "Sell. The only thing thinner than Matthew McConaughey is the plot."

And don't get me started on "Gravity"! "If I wanted to watch a depressed middle-aged woman float around for 90 minutes, I'd go to the YMCA pool!"

Cecily Strong: Alright, okay, hold on. Did you like any of the Best Picture nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I haven't liked ANY Best Picture nominees EVER!! It's been 86 years of insufferable DREK!! And I've reviewed it all!

"The Godfather": "This film left me thinking one thing: I wish I was that horse." Next!

"Citizen Kane": "If you're in the mood for a terrible movie about a sled, let me recommend "Cool Runnings"! At least THAT'S in COLOR!! Next! [ he flips his card, which lands on his held stack ] Couldn't do that again if I tried! So enjoy it! Live television!

"Gone With the Wind":" More like 'Gone with my ten cents.'"

Cecily Strong: Ten cents?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I do not adjust for inflation! Next!

"Annie Hall": "I'd rather let Woody Allen watch my kids than watch this movie again!" [ the audience groans ] So let me get this straight, You all trust him?!

Cecily Strong: Alright, how about a more contemporary nominee, like "The Shawshank Redemption"?

Jebidiah Atkinson: Ugh! "I'll only feel some redemption when there's a Saturday afternoon when this claptrap isn't on cable! Even the theatrical release of "The Shawshank Redemption" had a TNT logo in the corner." Next!

"Schindler's List": "You know what wasn't on Schindler's list? An editor." Next!

Oh, and now we come to the WORST Best PIcture winner of all time: "Forrest Gump". I prboably shouldn't do this one, since the audience got their BITCH-ON with that Woody Allen joke.

Cecily Strong: You probably shouldn't...

Jebidiah Atkinson: I'm going to do it! "You know which character in "Forrest Gump" I envy? Lieutenant Dan's legs. Because they got to leave early! And that's all I have to say about that!"

Cecily Strong: That's good. Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone!

Jebidiah Atkinson: Go see "The Lego Movie"! It's adorable!

04-08-2015, 02:01 PM	#24
troutman Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Crowsnest Pass Exp:	Cecily Strong: Alright. Okay, so, Jebidiah, have you seen all of this year's Best Picture nominees? Jebidiah Atkinson: Of course! I have been witness to every motion picture since the dawn of cinema... and I'm not impressed! Cecily Strong: Okay, look, I know you're known as a harsh critic, but I'd be surprised if you didn't enjoy at least a few of this year's nominees. Jebidiah Atkinson: Would you...? [ he shoots Cecily a dirty look ] Well, I assure you, Cecily, I've watched each nominated film closely, and I think you'll find my reviews to be considered and completely balanced. [ reading ] "This year's 9 Best Picture nominees are the WORST movies ever made!! "Her": "Guess who was bored by this movie? HIM!! [ he points to himself ] Even the main character spent the whole movie texting. [ he holds a dirty look to the audience ] "Dallas Buyers Club"! "Sell. The only thing thinner than Matthew McConaughey is the plot." And don't get me started on "Gravity"! "If I wanted to watch a depressed middle-aged woman float around for 90 minutes, I'd go to the YMCA pool!" Cecily Strong: Alright, okay, hold on. Did you like any of the Best Picture nominees? Jebidiah Atkinson: I haven't liked ANY Best Picture nominees EVER!! It's been 86 years of insufferable DREK!! And I've reviewed it all! "The Godfather": "This film left me thinking one thing: I wish I was that horse." Next! "Citizen Kane": "If you're in the mood for a terrible movie about a sled, let me recommend "Cool Runnings"! At least THAT'S in COLOR!! Next! [ he flips his card, which lands on his held stack ] Couldn't do that again if I tried! So enjoy it! Live television! "Gone With the Wind":" More like 'Gone with my ten cents.'" Cecily Strong: Ten cents? Jebidiah Atkinson: I do not adjust for inflation! Next! "Annie Hall": "I'd rather let Woody Allen watch my kids than watch this movie again!" [ the audience groans ] So let me get this straight, You all trust him?! Cecily Strong: Alright, how about a more contemporary nominee, like "The Shawshank Redemption"? Jebidiah Atkinson: Ugh! "I'll only feel some redemption when there's a Saturday afternoon when this claptrap isn't on cable! Even the theatrical release of "The Shawshank Redemption" had a TNT logo in the corner." Next! "Schindler's List": "You know what wasn't on Schindler's list? An editor." Next! Oh, and now we come to the WORST Best PIcture winner of all time: "Forrest Gump". I prboably shouldn't do this one, since the audience got their BITCH-ON with that Woody Allen joke. Cecily Strong: You probably shouldn't... Jebidiah Atkinson: I'm going to do it! "You know which character in "Forrest Gump" I envy? Lieutenant Dan's legs. Because they got to leave early! And that's all I have to say about that!" Cecily Strong: That's good. Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone! Jebidiah Atkinson: Go see "The Lego Movie"! It's adorable!