I've posted about some of my matters a couple times but I am going to go into more detail this time.
I am male and 30 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 6, at 19 I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and depression, at 20 I had the diagnosis of ADHD re-affirmed while going to SAIT.
At 26 I had another bout with depression that led to panic attacks that forced me to quit my then new job with Siemens. It took six months for me to recover, unfortunately I then walked into a mentally toxic workplace. I 'manned up' and held down that toxic job for a year and a half while it drove me into the ground by reaffirming all of the fears that I have carried with me since I was a child. I was apparently a rather anxious and emotional child.
After that year and a half I finally left, I was depressed, angry and jaded. I was being pushed into a dark place I fantasized about being hurt so I wouldn't have to go in. I made a big mistake in not seeking help after leaving as I thought I would get better after removing myself from the problem. I was already on an antidepressant from my bout at 26, but I was really just a time bomb and I detonated June 3, 2013.
June 3, 2013 was the day I tried to start a new job that met all of my needs. Everyone was friendly, which made the fact that I nearly burst into tears every time I tried to speak more than two words all the more puzzling and frustrating. None of the coping techniques I had been taught before were working and I was having thoughts of self harm as away to try and escape the panic. And when I say self harm I mean only that I wasn't thinking of suicide, yet.
At this point I realized I needed to enlist professional help again. I ended up seeing a very nice therapist. But despite all this the next four times I tried to start a new job I was greeted with ever stronger panic attacks. Therapy wasn't working nor were any medications, I was literately shrugging of Zanax or Adivan like it was a placebo.
I got to celebrate my 29 birthday with a panic attack, but just a few months later on my 4th attempt to start a job I ended up at the Foothills Emergency Room, suffering from the worst panic attack yet and seriously considering suicide. I was tired of the humiliation, fear, anger, self hatred and financial struggle.
But as it turns out the Foothills is where they have the ADHD clinic and after an assessment I was enrolled in the clinic. Turns out that what I was being told about how and when to take ADHD medications was wrong. It was also at the clinic that I learned why the anti anxiety meds I had been given did not work; I have an elevated level of norepinephrine and reduced levels of dopamine. Norepinephrine is key to the fight or flight response that had been hitting me like freight train. When I was in the mist of panic over a new job it really felt like being caught a grizzly while on the edge of a cliff, either get mauled or jump.
And so with the right help I am no longer playing russian roulette quite so much. It still hasn't been entirely smooth, and I was terminated at a job for the first time ever, which I was always worried about having happen, now doubly so. But I think I am stabilizing as I continue to learn about myself and the changes that I have undergone and continue to under go. Some of these changes are quite interesting, but I don't think I will write about them in this post.
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