[Crazy Bacon Legs]

Your problem is you are going too straight-laced. You're boring the poor girl. She's sending you the old "You're a boring person" signal. This signal is named "failure" and it is projected to the clouds of your soul like the bat signal. Except THIS signal comes with derisive laughter. Batman doesn't get derisive laughter, because he is Batman. You get derisive laughter because you are boring. This is a vicious cycle that will self-perpetuate if left unchecked. But it doesn't have to be this way.

You know what women want? Excitement! Mystery! Danger! More questions than can possibly be answered in one short evening by a rational being! You spoke of a "spark." You don't want to create a spark. You want to go full supernova in the first 2-3 minutes of that date. Her eyes need to be melted by the glory of your sheer awesomeness. It's up to you to supply excitement, and I can help you do it.

First: You need to set up the time and place for the date. Obviously, this will mean 7:00 pm at Guppy's Fine Steakhouse and Saloon. Insist politely but firmly that your date wear a dress with a flower print of some sort on it (claim this is for identification purposes), but be firm that she MUST wear a solid pair of hiking boots and they MUST be waterproof. Warn her that there may be dire consequences beyond your control if she does not listen to this advice. Keep insisting while slowly getting louder each time. If she shows up with any footwear other than hiking boots, shake your head and walk away mournfully in the other direction. But she should acquiesce. She is already curious. The dance has begun and you are paying the band with some very shiny marbles.

Next, get a table near the back. Compliment her on her hiking boots. Make sure you pull her chair out for her when she sits; it's only polite. Then sit with your back to the wall and continuously, nervously dart your eyes from side to side as if scanning people for evil intent. Hand her the menu and have her read it out loud to you. If she asks why, just tell her you need to keep your head up. Hint that the future of humanity depends on it, but don't just blurt it out. That's a classic rookie mistake.

When the waiter brings a basket of free bread, refuse it at first and wave it away impatiently. Follow this up by almost immediately demanding bread while the waiter is attempting to carry it away. Take the basket and hide it under the table. Give your date a knowing wink.

Order soup for both of you, and then demand to see the manager because the soup is singing to you. Return the soup and get the salad instead. Retrieve the bread basket from under the table and whisper, "it's bonsai time," to your date. Eat the bread but send back the salad. Demand a seafood-based appetizer be brought quickly as your thalidomide levels are dangerously low. Eat the seafood. Do not speak during this course and avoid eye contact. If she attempts to speak to you, nervously shake your head at her while looking terrified.

Constantly check your watch while eating and muttering, "no, not yet." Look up at the ceiling a lot. She will look up as well when you do. Demonstrate that this alarms you.

By now she should be thoroughly confused by your behaviour. The urge to throw your hands up, laugh, and tell her it's all a joke will be overwhelming. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THIS. This is all part of the plan. She will be off-balance, and very intrigued.

Next, order the steak for the entree. Order one for her as well, but insist it only be seared on the north side of the steak. Ask for extra onion sauce. They will ask for clarification as to what all this means. Don't tell them; it's all part of the game. Give her the option of having the steak either done medium rare or medium. If she wants a well done steak, immediately get up and leave. If she wants her steak well done, she is not the right person for you.

Start asking her questions about her childhood, her parentage, and the GPS coordinates of her childhood home. Everyone knows the GPS coordinates of their childhood home. If they don't, they are either mentally deranged or a communist. When she provides this information, bring out your notebook and jot down this information. Pat the notebook fondly and put it away with a knowing look. Steer all conversation away from the notebook.

Now ask her what her future plans are. Be generic at first. Interrupt her answer and clarify that you need to know her plans in say... the year 2032. Specifically, June 16, 2032. If she asks why that date, just laugh uproariously and reply, "why INDEED?" at a volume just slightly below a shout. Immediately change the subject to sports or the utility of public executions.

Before the steak arrives, jump up and announce loudly that you must leave as your scooter is on fire. When you jump up, try to knock some dishware to the floor so it shatters dramatically. Turn to your date, get down on one knee and apologize for leaving, but explain that humanity needs you. Pat her on the hand and immediately sprint out the front door. If the door doesn't open outwards, dive through the glass headfirst. This looks incredibly badass and she will be VERY impressed. Do a shoulder roll and leap off into the night, cackling madly.

Your date will be left sitting at the table, confused and disoriented. She will also be left with a large bill and two bizarrely prepared steaks. And she will immediately be struck by the urge to call or text you.

Send her a quick message telling her you must be out of communication for 6 days as the cyborgs have learned your location. Don't call them cyborgs directly, but hint that some, "old friends who are both men and terrible, terrible machines," are looking for you. Tell her she is in no danger, but must avoid dairy for the next 48 hours.

If you do all this, you will create more than a spark. Be prepared for a deluge of communication from her, as she begs for a second date. She may even ask to skip the second date and go straight to the third. She may even propose marriage and/or immediately establishing a breeding program. It's up to you if you want to get down to that business.

I used this technique 4 times, and I got 18 marriage proposals. Yes, 18. That's a success rate of 450%. 14 women in the restaurants I used this technique in actually tracked down my personal information, contacted me, and asked for my hand in marriage. I refused them all. My ears hurt constantly due to their incessant wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Remember: this is like life's great cheat code. It may take away from the thrill of playing the game. But it WILL work.

Use this knowledge wisely, people. These are people's hearts you're toying with.

Consider yourselves warned.