Calgarypuck Forums - The Unofficial Calgary Flames Fan Community - View Single Post

annasuave · 11-08-2014, 04:34 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss, 1988.

That's a tough journey to take. I've been there with my sister a couple of times. She's still with us, and still fighting, but the shadow is never far away.

There's a sort of "in-club" for those who know the ins and outs of monoclonal antibodies, herceptin, t-counts etc, that I don't wish anyone membership in. At the same time, its funny (and NOT funny) the things that get said to cancer patients. My sister and I joke around that one day we're going to write a book of "Dumb Things People Say To Cancer Patients".

I'm never going to write that book, its just not that funny. But if I could offer a few pearls of wisdom for those wishing to avoid saying something dumb to someone facing cancer...

1. Call. Say hi. Make it cheerful, and be brief. When my sister was ill, over and over again friends and relatives would call, choke up, say they were so dreadfully sorry and then either cry or ask her "what are you going to do?" Time and time again, she wound up trying to console someone who was crying because SHE was sick. No cancer patient wants to invest their precious time and energy in helping someone else work through their feelings about them having cancer. They need all their time and energy for themselves. Be yourself. Be upbeat (but don't try to deny the facts). And be brief.

2. People getting chemotherapy feel sick. The chemo is literally poisoning them and killing every actively dividing cell in their body. They're tired. They ache. They're overly sensitive too smells. They're guts don't work right, and they're immunosuppressed. They're going to get tired very easily, and while they'll love to know you're thinking of them - they're really not in a position to welcome you to their home, find a vase for the flowers you brought, and probably want to STOP thinking about their treatment and prognosis for a while - not rehash with everyone who calls. If you do visit, don't wear perfume or cologne. (Its tough to tolerate for some patients)

3. Don't bring flowers. Stop by the store an pick up a litre of milk, a loaf of bread or a head of lettuce instead. They're too tired to grocery shop, and the smell of the flowers might make them queasy. Offer to take out the trash or shovel the walkway on your way out.

4. If you have the slightest sniffle or cough - don't visit. Some cancers are treated very aggressively and on a very tight schedule. The slightest infection in a cancer patient can introduce a delay or break their schedule. Visiting a chemo-patient when you're not 100% healthy can quite literally deny them the life-saving treatment they need. (And waste tens of thousands of dollars too. Many of treatments are tailored to individual and are prepared just a few hours in advance of the treatment. If a patient shows up for treatment, and their immune-status isn't good enough to receive it, the medication must be destroyed.)

5. Let your cancer-friend invite your into their world. Allow them to share the details of their treatment with you, or share their doubts and fears with you -- or not, depending on their needs. You don't want to be the person who reminded them about how serious their illness is, when they only just managed to put it out of their head for a minute or two.

Whew. Well. Apparently there were some things I wanted to get off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent.

11-08-2014, 04:34 PM	#11
annasuave Scoring Winger Join Date: Jul 2007 Exp:	I'm so sorry for your loss, 1988. That's a tough journey to take. I've been there with my sister a couple of times. She's still with us, and still fighting, but the shadow is never far away. There's a sort of "in-club" for those who know the ins and outs of monoclonal antibodies, herceptin, t-counts etc, that I don't wish anyone membership in. At the same time, its funny (and NOT funny) the things that get said to cancer patients. My sister and I joke around that one day we're going to write a book of "Dumb Things People Say To Cancer Patients". I'm never going to write that book, its just not that funny. But if I could offer a few pearls of wisdom for those wishing to avoid saying something dumb to someone facing cancer... 1. Call. Say hi. Make it cheerful, and be brief. When my sister was ill, over and over again friends and relatives would call, choke up, say they were so dreadfully sorry and then either cry or ask her "what are you going to do?" Time and time again, she wound up trying to console someone who was crying because SHE was sick. No cancer patient wants to invest their precious time and energy in helping someone else work through their feelings about them having cancer. They need all their time and energy for themselves. Be yourself. Be upbeat (but don't try to deny the facts). And be brief. 2. People getting chemotherapy feel sick. The chemo is literally poisoning them and killing every actively dividing cell in their body. They're tired. They ache. They're overly sensitive too smells. They're guts don't work right, and they're immunosuppressed. They're going to get tired very easily, and while they'll love to know you're thinking of them - they're really not in a position to welcome you to their home, find a vase for the flowers you brought, and probably want to STOP thinking about their treatment and prognosis for a while - not rehash with everyone who calls. If you do visit, don't wear perfume or cologne. (Its tough to tolerate for some patients) 3. Don't bring flowers. Stop by the store an pick up a litre of milk, a loaf of bread or a head of lettuce instead. They're too tired to grocery shop, and the smell of the flowers might make them queasy. Offer to take out the trash or shovel the walkway on your way out. 4. If you have the slightest sniffle or cough - don't visit. Some cancers are treated very aggressively and on a very tight schedule. The slightest infection in a cancer patient can introduce a delay or break their schedule. Visiting a chemo-patient when you're not 100% healthy can quite literally deny them the life-saving treatment they need. (And waste tens of thousands of dollars too. Many of treatments are tailored to individual and are prepared just a few hours in advance of the treatment. If a patient shows up for treatment, and their immune-status isn't good enough to receive it, the medication must be destroyed.) 5. Let your cancer-friend invite your into their world. Allow them to share the details of their treatment with you, or share their doubts and fears with you -- or not, depending on their needs. You don't want to be the person who reminded them about how serious their illness is, when they only just managed to put it out of their head for a minute or two. Whew. Well. Apparently there were some things I wanted to get off my chest. Thanks for letting me vent.