[MissTeeks]

A good read:

http://espn.go.com/nhl/story/_/id/11...-shaken-demons

CALGARY, Alberta -- It's been nine years and two weeks since former NHL star Theo Fleury had a drink. It's been almost 11 years from the time he bought a gun in a Santa Fe, New Mexico, pawn shop, drove home, put the barrel in his mouth and thought about pulling the trigger.
He doesn't miss the drinking. In fact, he said he doesn't even remember the last drink he had.
He no longer has suicidal thoughts. He never even really wanted to kill himself, he said. He just wanted to stop the pain that tormented him each and every day.
He doesn't seem to miss his NHL playing days either. Doesn't keep in touch with many of his old hockey buddies. His tight-knit inner circle now includes an Irishman who manages his band, Theo Fleury and The Death Valley Rebels, a Bosnian peace officer he met at his sons' soccer game and a former AHL tough guy who now works in the drilling business.

Distance from his former life has provided him perspective. Fleury, 46, would be happy if none of the things from his past defined him. He'd be thrilled if, looking back at his life, someone were to remark: "Hey, you know, he was a pretty good hockey player too."
"I would love that," Fleury told ESPN.com in a lengthy sit-down interview last week. "Hockey was the vehicle and it gave me everything I have, but it was only the first 35 years of my life. I still have 35 years left to live, and I certainly want to make a difference in the next 35."

He wants to help. He wants others to heal.
"I chose to live my life -- every little detail -- publicly because I know how many people it's helped. I know how many people have taken the noose off their neck, I know how many people have put the gun down, how many people that have not taken the whole bottle of pills," Fleury said. "What I want to encourage people is, it's OK to tell your story. One day you're going to tell your story, and it's going to save someone's life."

Though Fleury now identifies his family as the genesis of some of his most deep-seated issues (Fleury says he grew up fearing abandonment, finding himself unlovable, not good enough), it was another particular trauma during his teenage years that compounded matters entirely.
Fleury was sexually abused by his junior hockey coach Graham James, a harrowing experience he detailed in his acclaimed 2009 book, "Playing with Fire." It shattered his belief system, his ability to trust others, and it triggered the self-loathing that would fuel his problems for years to come.
He speaks about the abuse now with little emotion or hostility. Though he spoke out against James' lenient sentence in 2012 (a judge increased the sentence in 2013 from two years to five years), Fleury is motivated less by the idea of justice and more by the idea of forgiveness and healing.
"I've come to the point where I realized what happened to me was actually a gift," Fleury said. "My family of origin was actually a gift. Graham James was a gift. Why? It forced me to look at who I am, the true me, and I like that guy."

Fleury met therapist Kim Barthel at a conference in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She was a keynote speaker on resilience and healing within the First Nations communities who, in light of a cancellation by another speaker, was asked to prolong her presentation.
She wasn't a hockey fan. Still isn't, despite her husband Bob's zealous fandom for the Montreal Canadiens. She remembered seeing Fleury's face on the cover of "Playing with Fire" and being so put off by his demeanor that she didn't even want to read it.
But Fleury sought her out after she spoke, telling her she had just changed his life. And that they needed to work together.
The two have since co-authored the book "Conversations with a Rattlesnake: Raw and Honest Reflections on Healing and Trauma," which will be released next month.

Fleury didn't always see this as his path.
Even when Fleury confronted his demons and publicly denounced James, he was terrified. When he detailed almost every painful and shocking element of his addictions in his first book (Fleury said he was addicted to it all: booze, drugs, women, gambling, food, you name it), he still didn't feel entirely secure with himself.
But at one of his first book signings, at a Toronto location of the Canadian bookstore Chapters, he was struck by something that happened.
He was surprised by the number of people who showed up, yet one man in particular caught his attention. The guy clutched the book to his chest fiercely but grew increasingly agitated as he stood in line, bailing on the queue and then finally returning to thrust the book at the table, leaning in to tell Fleury:
"Me too."
It would be the first of many times complete strangers -- adults, children, even offenders -- would confide their experiences to Fleury. He said there are few days now that he isn't approached, a fact that reaffirms just how widespread the issue is and how much of an impact can be had.

But despite the ups and downs, Fleury has found peace with himself, a priority.
"I like me for the first time in my life," he said. "I like me, and that was never the case before. That's why I did all the things I did. I didn't like me."
He's no longer deking past defensemen, scoring flashy goals or chirping at his opponents. But he's happy with all that he's left behind. He's found something that means, to him, so much more.
"I believe this was my purpose in life," Fleury said. "I mean, I'm a f---ing fighter, right?"