[Crazy Bacon Legs]

I don't remember if I asked this before, but does anyone know where I might be able to sign up for matador lessons?

I tried a couple of places, but it turns out that a lot of the places selling so-called matador lessons are just karate studios trying to capitalize on the popularity of bull fighting. They claim they know how to fight bulls, but they just dress up in pyjamas and kick at each other's groins. That's not bull fighting at all. I have seen bull fighting and it is not even close to that sort of thing.

The fact of the matter is that I need to learn the following: moving about like a matador, battling with red capes, and stabbing live beef-based mammals. I need to learn these for specific reasons. For those with ethics who are opposed to violence against animals for sport: I will NOT use these new matador powers to harm actual animals. I need these powers for honorable reasons and will not abuse these powers by actually fighting against bulls or any similar species.

I need them for my new project, as I am writing a pilot for a 1-hour dramatic TV series that focuses on me and my abilities as a matador. It is a historical period drama set in the year 2014 and it is called CRAZY BACON LEGS: MATADOR FOR HIRE! It is a television program that will showcase me fighting crime, saving communities, teaching people to walk, enriching the poor, etc. through the use of my matador abilities and detective skills. I already have numerous ideas for episodes that will form the basis of the show.

These include:

NEW YORK MIDNIGHT JITTERS: A Minotaur is terrorizing New York City and the chief of police can only call on one hero to save the day: the greatest detective/matador in all the land, Crazy Bacon Legs! Will Crazy Bacon Legs be able to defeat a creature that is only HALF cow?! (The other half is human) Can his old chum Rico learn to walk again? And how did a Minotaur get to New York City in 2014 when they are believed to be extinct?

L.A. CATTLE DAZE - A gang of aggressive cattle is terrorizing Los Angeles, and the mayor can only call on one person to save the day: expert matador and extreme urban explorer, Crazy Bacon Legs! Can Crazy Bacon Legs learn to fight bulls in an URBAN environment before it's too late?! Will plucky little Timmy learn how to walk again? Can the city be saved before it plunges into the ocean as foretold by legend?

THE BANFF BISON BANDIT CAPER - In a very special episode, a small but dastardly herd of Bison is terrorizing Banff National Park and its innocent citizens. Can a vacationing Crazy Bacon Legs discover how to use his matador powers on BISON before the park explodes? Will special guest star Samantha Palmino, Jr. learn to walk again? In discovering the core of his powers, Crazy Bacon Legs may even save the PLANET from nefarious Bison! This very special episode also teaches children about the dangers of internet dating.

There are a lot of episodes I have thought up and I will be doing my own stunts, as well as fighting a menagerie of deadly beasts like cows, Minotaurs, water buffalo, wildebeest etc. ALL VIOLENCE AGAINST CATTLE WILL BE SIMULATED. These will be done through stunts, camera tricks, and careful planning/negotiation with highly trained animals.

It will be a thrill ride for the senses, and I fully expect people will eagerly anticipate the next exhilarating episode while talking about last week's adventure over the water cooler or internet or dance class. There will be clapping and cheering and hooting. It will be a social force for good. I have a lot of the script ideas done already, but I really need these lessons. The show practically writes itself, and I can't imagine ever running out of show ideas.

So if you run a matador school, or give private lessons, or know a high level black belt in matadoring, please let me know. It's important that this comes together if the pilot episode is ever going to get off the ground. As a teaser:

PILOT - Crazy Bacon Legs is a normal human male, until he receives the powers of a MATADOR at the Calgary Stampede. When a REAL stampede occurs at the Stampede, only Crazy Bacon Legs and his newfound powers can possibly save the Stampede from the stampede! Will the Stampede continue? Will the stampede be stopped? Will Crazy Bacon Legs succeed? Will the Reverend Percy Johnson learn to walk again?! Can the time vortex be closed before reality collapses?

This will be a gore and violence-filled family-oriented drama with many one liners and catchphrases that can be easily printed on t-shirts. I guarantee Emmy awards and many TV and feature film spin-offs (CRAZY BACON LEGS: MATADOR ON THE MOON; CRAZY BACON LEGS: MATADOR IN THE AMAZON; CRAZY BACON LEGS: UNDERSEA MATADOR, etc.).

Also, let me know if you own a TV network. I would like to give this to the world soon.