When they phone up and tell you that they're monitoring your computer, just reply back with "What a coinicidence, I was just monitoring yours, and I noticed some issues, I'm a network security expert for a living and you have some real problems, do you mind opening up your firewall so I can help you fix them."
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My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
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