[CaptainCrunch]

I've already written a script

6:00 am to 7:00 am

We zoom in on Jack Bauer in bed snoring away happily

7:00 am to 7:05am

Jack Bauer is on the phone "Yeah boss, I'm not feeling well I think I should stay home and just get on top of this thing (coughs weakly) yeah, I get it lots of fluids and sleep check" Bauer hangs up the phone claps his hands together in the whole cleaning motion and looks at the camera "And that's how you do it"

7:05 am to 9:30 am

We see Bauer snoring away in bed, he roles over and we see a three foot long string of drool going to his mouth to the pillow. The camera zooms to the White House we see a concerned looking president surrounded by aides and military dudes with way too many stars and medals and cool sunglasses, we can't forget the cool sunglasses.

President - "Another nuclear terrorist threat, get me Jack Bauer by god"

Aide - "We've tried to call him repeatedly but his phones off and his vm box is full by god"

President - "Oh my god by god"

9:30 am to 10 am

We see Jack Bauer sitting at the kitchen table looking bleary eyed as he grimly eats a bowl of fruity pebbles while reading the back of the cereal box.

10:00 am to 11:00 am

We see Bauer sitting on the couch with an x-box controller in his hand frantically jamming buttons and screaming. He mutters "I'm the best damn super agent in the world and I'm totally getting owned in battlefield by god"

We flash back to the White House

Aide - "Its clear that the terrorists are an off shoot of the IRA, the Icelandic Revolutionary Army and they've made a nuclear bomb out of decaying sheep and wood and sir . .. the bomb is in play"

The president looks shocked and shouts

"gods damnit have we gotten a hold of Bauer yet? by god"

A terrified aide screeches "His phones still off by god"

President- "Then go over to his house and get him by god, chances are those Icelandic #######s have already kidnapped him or his daughter. Am I the only guy that reads these scripts."

11:00 am to 11:15 am

"We see a closed bathroom door at Jack Bauers house, we hear hilarious farting sounds and groans followed by a sound like somebody dropped 2 tons of steel into a lake "That was a good one"

11:15 am to 11:30 am

We see Bauer sitting on his couch staring at the t.v. while he ruthlessly continues to adjust his er package. He finally gets up and walks out the door and gets on a bus. We then see the presidents aide hammer on his door

11:30 am til about 2:30 PM
We see Jack Bauer at a budget rent a car renting a Porche
We see a worried president screaming at hi aide as they report that Bauer has been kidnapped, the President mutters a few stunned "By god"
We see Bauer tooling around town. He stops at a parade where he hands the keys to a couple of sketchy looking lot attendants.
We see Bauer standing impatiently in a lineup at MacDonalds
We see a couple of guys in parkas huddling over what is apparently a bomb made out of sheep guts and wood.
We see Bauer scarfing down a big mac and large fries then he gets up and leaves not bothering to throw out all of his MacDonald's garbage.
We see the rental Porche majestically flying through the air in slow motion as the two parking lot attendants laugh.
We see Bauer snagging a fly ball at a Nationals game.
We flash to the presidents office as he's looking glum , his clutch agent kidnapped, Icelanders with the bomb. The game is playing in the background and we see Bauer celebrating the catch. The picture changes just as the President glances at the T.V.

2:30 pm to 3:30 pm

a parade passes in front of the White House. Bauer is on one of the floats singing "Enter Sandman by Metallica as the crowd goes wild. Just as the float passes from view we see the President turn and look out the window and mutters "Look at those poor #######s, they have no idea what's coming.

3:30 pm to5:30 pm

We see Bauer picking up the rental Porche, he looks at the Odometer and his eyes nearly blow out of his head and he see's how many miles have been added to the car.

We go to the Presidents office

Military Advisor - "We can confirm that the bomb is in play and those dirty Icelanders are going after a high value target"

President - "My God"

Aide - "And we can't find Bauer but we can confirm that his daughter is at a hockey game. The T.V. turns to a picture of Eliza Cuthbert rolling her eyes at Reimer's wife. The President chuckles then looks grim.

We see the Icelanders carrying the bomb sneakily across a parking lot

We see Bauer frantically driving the Porche in reverse at 100 miles an hour down a highway. Every guy watching the show suddenly gets aroused.

5:30pm to 5:45 pm

We see Bauer at the rental place angrily throwing bills at the attendant

5:45 pm to 6:00 pm

The President scowls as his Aide announces that they've narrowed the terrorists target list down to thousand by god.

6:00 pm to 6:30 pm

Bauer stands by his microwave watching it countdown. It bings and Bauer scratches his butt and then pulls out his Turkey pot pie and cracks a beer and starts eating

6:30 PM to 7:00 pm

We see the dirty Icelanders making a final adjustment to the bomb.

7:00pm to 8:30 pm

We see Bauer watching T.V. and scratching himself. Looking bored when inspiration hits him he picks up the phone and talks for a few minutes.

8:30 pm to 9:00 pm

We see the terrorists board a plane looking all smug and stuff.

We see the President sitting surrounded by kids reading a book called my little bunny. An Aide whispers in his ear and the President stares ahead for a minute then continues reading the book.

9:00 PM

Bauer's door bell rings he answers the door to reveal a fake blond chick with a crazy look in her eyes wearing stiletto boots and a mini skirt. She introduces herself as Candy and Bauer hands her a stack of bills and she comes inside the door closes.

9:03 PM

The door opens and Candy leaves.

9:03 pm til 11:45 pm

Aide - "Mister President its a disaster, the bombs in play, we don't know where it is, Bauer's missing and his daughter is engaged to Dion Phaneuf.

President - "My God"

We see Bauer on his couch staring blankly at the wall, he sobs silently and then takes a swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels. Finally the bottle is empty, he tips it over and shakes out a final drop and then throws the bottle over his shoulder where it breaks against a cheesy 70's style faux brick wall.

He gets up and staggers to his bedroom turning out lights as he goes and just falls face down on his bed unconscious before he hits the matress.

We zoom in on the bomb and then slowly zoom out until we see that its resting under some kind of monument thing. The timer hits zero just as we see a sign announcing "The worlds biggest ball of string"

Suddenly the scene erupts in a Nuclear Holocaust.

We get a slow motion montage

We see Iowa burning
We see the President dropping his drink and watching in slow motion as it spills all over the carpet
We see two homeless guys brawling
A two year old dressed up in a Princess outfit kicking a dog
We see Dion Phaneuf committing yet another brutal give away, then Eliza Cuthbert putting her head in her hands and sobbing about what's happened to her career
We see Bauer snoring drunkenly away on his bed
We see the Icelandic terrorists in a pub made out of confederate era army tents, they raise their glasses of vodka mixed with seal blubber as they celebrate their mighty blow against Democracy
we see the car rental agent pocketing the cash given to him by Bauer and then walking into the night whistling

12:00 turns to 12:01

And then we see credits.