HBAV, I know where you are coming from. If you need ANYTHING let me know. Someone to have a coffee with. Someone to tell you horribly self deprecating life stories, or someone to just listen.... I am with everyone here and willing lend a hand. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for help, and you have taken the first step. Good for you.
I am not a professional by any means. But I have been so deep in the pit of depression, there was no physical pain I wouldn't have substituted to make it go away. Listen to me, and listen well. IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER. And it will. As long as you are willing to accept the help of professionals and loved ones.
I have my ups and downs, and my moments. Just tonight something I heard reminded me of someone I recently lost. Someone I greatly missed. Instead of holding it in, and suffering in silence, I picked up the phone, and called my mother. A 38 year old man, sobbing on the phone with his 'mommy.' But it was a hell of a lot better than sitting in a dark room, and being angry like I have for the last year of my life.
There are so many people willing to give you support here, what does that tell you? You matter, and people care. Also, this....
Always makes me smile. No matter what.