Originally Posted by pylon
I think sometimes you take so much, you simply do not recover, nor can you, nor do you want to. Like concussions I guess. Eventually you take enough blows to the head, you have permanent brain damage from them. Losing my sister when I was 21, then her son, a brother to me, at 37, both under horrible circumstances, and being the last person in the family that talks to both of them........ it's not easy. But it isn't anger. It is more like apathetic acceptance. You accept being happy just isn't in the cards for you, by some cosmic force, by coincidence... whatever it is.
The last year of my life has been difficult. I go to work, I come home, and I rot away on frozen dinners. I have completely shut myself in, and at this point, it is all I want. Pay the bills, and just exist. You start to envy those who get to go out naturally. I am not suicidal, but I don't care if I die.... does that make sense? Eventually you lose so much of yourself when you lose 2 people so close to you, so young, enough of yourself dies, that you become a shell of who you once were. It took me almost 10 years to truly accept what happened with my sister. In all honesty, I was grew closer to him, than her, the little bro I always wanted. Her son was that bright ray of hope for me. Redemption that our family did everything right for her to carry on her legacy. Then, well, it's all gone. Vaporized.
You don't pick yourself up off the mat from that, and go off whistling the Chitty-Chitty bang bang theme into the sunset, and if you do... there is something wrong with you. The pain is what it is, and you learn to manage it no differently than physical pain.
I know I am not the only person out there to go through these types of losses. If I could stop one person though, from making the same irrational decision, by them reading these words, then this post, and peek into my irreversibly damaged psyche is worth it. As survivors of suicide, have to endure a lifetime of pain.
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