[comrade]

Originally Posted by Hi-Psi

Hey guys,

Sorry for not replying sooner, I'm up at work right now and internet has been hit and miss the last few days.

Thanks a lot for all the replies, it's been interesting seeing the different perspectives.

I understand a lot of the points and while it may seem like an easy decision to some, it isn't to me or her. We want to be happy and we want to make the right decision but we have different ideas on what we think that right decision is.

I've spent the last few days contemplating what living in Red Deer would mean for me and for us. The thing I just can't seem to get past is the fact that we do almost everything in Calgary and almost nothing in Red Deer. The only real reason to live in Red Deer is so she can be closer to work. She says to me "well we're only an hour away from friends, an hour away from your family, an hour away from Flames game, from birthdays, from wing nights and an hour away from work." Well when I think about that I shake my head and think that why should we live an hour away from all of those things when we can cure all but 1 by living in Calgary...

I understand that a 2.5 hour drive to work sucks, especially doing it every week but in my honest opinion I don't see why she can't look for work closer to the city. I said SHE THINKS it's the best opportunity because I honestly think she could work just about anywhere in Alberta and get the same experience, why she seems so dead set on where she is is a mystery to me other than the fact that she knows all the staff already and is comfortable there and just doesn't want to have to start over with a new company.

I understand that if I'm away 3 weeks at a time it would be best to accommodate her and be closer to her work, that's part of the reason that this is so hard to figure out.

As for her wanting to raise kids outside the city, I've always been aware of this and while I guess I hoped I could persuade her over time to maybe raise kids on the outskirts of the city or something equivalent, I've said that I'm not apposed to moving out of the city when that time came. By then I'm sure living outside the city might actually be really appealing as I've always wanted that sort of country type home to raise a family, I just know that I'm not ready for that right at this moment.

One point she has stated is that one reason she doesn't want to live in Calgary is that she doesn't want to have to buy a home twice, she basically wants to buy the house now that she can raise a family in. I've said though that we can always buy something in the city now and then as kids are born we can then look at buying outside the city or on the outskirts or whatever as this is still 3-5 years down the road. She's worried though that if she gives in and moves to Calgary that I will never change my ways and we'll never move to that "country" home and she'll end up giving up something that was very important to her.

You just need to hash all this out with her in an adult way. As in no arguing, no shutting down, no insults or anything from either party as well as complete honesty. I would talk about that at length first before actually talking about everything else. You could even tell her that you "feel that she might feeling that her moving back to Calgary is a ploy by you to lock her in to Calgary" to get the ball rolling. Just make sure and use the word 'feel' everywhere you can and don't let her push you around. If she brings up something from the past (like say, you always knew I wanted to live in the country and so your continuing relationship with me means you already committed to living in the country and you can't take it back now) stand your ground, and just re-iterate what you want now and tell her that trying to guilt you into caving isn't going to work.

At the end of the day you each need to communicate what you really want and then only then can you actually find out if there's a compromise to be made. And if not, so be it.