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Originally Posted by gargamel
Logically and morally, I have no problem with my girlfriend being with other men, but I've been socially conditioned to have an involuntary jealous reaction to the mere thought of it. It's something that I've been trying to control, because I really think it would be beneficial for my current relationship to be "open." My girlfriend lives 20 hours away from me by airplane, so we don't get to see each other more than 3 or 4 times per year. That means that, for us, monogamy means long stretches of celibacy. We've both been faithful (as far as I know), so I guess it's a realistic expectation, but is it fair? Is it selfish of me to want a 20-something girl to go without sex for months at a time? Intellectually, I know that it is, but I'm not evolved enough to have it any other way.
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I think there are two other angles here as well. There's the ego or self-esteem issue of feeling like you're not enough or good enough for your woman if she's attracted to and sleeping with other men. However, this is part of the larger probably that we as men place a premium on the physical aspect of a relationship than the emotional aspect. If a woman is seeking physical intimacy with other men but is reliant on you for emotional intimacy, that should be more meaningful, but for some reason it's not, and I think that's due to the competitive aspect of sex.
Somewhere along the line the number of partners a man has slept with became a defining trait of masculinity, where we now think less of ourselves if we've had less partners than another man. Again, there's no logically good reason for this, as I would venture that most men who've been in long-term monogamous relationships have undoubtedly had more sex than those who've had a higher than average number of partners. And really, men in relationships are seen as largely more virtuous and desirable by women and society (you could argue that this is poor logic as well).
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I'm as pro-porn as anyone (remember, my girlfriend lives 20 hours away), but I disagree with this. I'm not sure that marriages are falling apart over it, but I don't know how many men would even think to try anal sex (for example) if it weren't so prevalent in modern pornography, but now I'm sure there are men who feel like they're missing out if they've never had a partner who was willing to at least try it once.
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You could also argue that the slut-shaming towards women who engage in anal sex is due to the association of the act with porn, and the demeaning ways in which women in porn are treated during the act.