[MissTeeks]

Bart After Dark was on Comedy last night, another one of my favorites:

[Marge gives Homer instructions while she and Lisa are gone]
Marge: Now the cat needs his medication...
Homer: No problem...
Marge: ... every morning and the furnace has been putting off...
Homer: Can do. Right. Uh-huh.
Marge: ... a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open.
Homer: Gotcha. Cat in the furnace.
Marge: Ah, you know, I think we'll take Maggie with us.

Marge: And if anything happens, just use your best judgemmmm... just do what I would do.

Homer: A whole week of just father and son. See you at dinner. [he and Bart walk off whistling]
Bart: What time?
Homer: You know? I don't know.
Bart: Shall we say... 10:00?
Homer: All right, just wake me up.

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.

Bart: Dad? I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

[Homer answers the doorbell]
Homer: Just a minute! [there are sounds of grunting and paper tearing; opens the door wearing only a paper bag as pants; sees Bart with Belle] Hello?
Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and... are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

[When Grampa visits the Maison Derrière]
Grampa: [whistles & hangs his hat; sees Bart] Oop. [whistles again, turns around, picks up his hat and leaves; sticking his head in] Is your name "Bart"?
Bart: [nodding] Mm-hmm.
Grampa: What the... Does your father know you're working here?
Bart: It was his idea.
Grampa: In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

TV Announcer: It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, no!

Belle: I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for...
Homer: I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz, he's my son, and I don't want him working... [in the next room, Homer sees a sexy chorus girl doing a fan dance] ...so...late....that...
Belle: Oh, I agree, kids need rules and boundaries.
Homer: [in a trance-like tone] Yes, everyone loves rules.
Belle: It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs.
Homer: Oh yeah, drugs, you gotta have drugs. [goes in to see the fan dancer]
Bart: Hey, he didn't pay the cover.
Belle: Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow.

Marge: Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there?
Homer: No, I only learned that four days ago.
Marge: What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place?
Homer: I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So in an way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm going to clean it up.

Principal Skinner: Oh, there's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Lenny: I'm gonna burn all the historic memorabilia
Moe: I'm gonna take me home a toilet.
Groundskeeper Willie: Well, there'd better be two.

[At the Maison Derrière, Marge is doing a ventriloquist act with a doll that looks just like her. ]
Marge: So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby. What did you name him?
"Twiggy": Chip.
[Rim shot. Nobody laughs.]
Homer: Take it off!
Bart: [as a bouncer] All right, Dad, you've been warned, let's go. [takes him away]