Step 1: Set up an sting operation by hiring a mole. If the president of your company will undertake this assignment, even better.
Step 2: Have your president disguise himself in such a way he will look like Mr. Weyland from Prometheus. Give him a common name like John Smith.
Step 3: Wire him up and have him hang out around the kitchen as much as possible. Have him make friendly convos with anyone who comes in for utensils. He will spark up conversations like “So, can’t wait to steal some forks today.”
Step 4: Once he is able to determine with certainty who the fork stealer is, have him journey deep into the seedy underbelly of the utensil world.
Step 5: Have him spend years, gaining the trust of his targets. Possibly supplying them with more forks to keep the suspicion at bay.
Step 6: Once enough evidence is gathered. Have your president call the employee into his office. Your president will rip off his disguise and declare he has been the president all along!
Step 7: Kill the employee.
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