George Carlin - Urinals are 50 percent universal:
A urinal's like an elevator; there's nothin' to do, really, while you're there. You can check the fronts of your shoes again if you want. It's probably a different story by now. Depending if you're at a knee length one or a floor console model. Just **** all over everything and don't care. Y'know- "Hey, it's OK. I got a long one here." But, uh, there's nothin' to do at the urinal. You stare up straight ahead of you; what do you see? Standard-Crane American Standard. Patent pending 2861855... You look up high..."LOOK UP THERE; YOU'RE PISSIN' ON YOUR SHOES AGAIN!" Aw, jeez...
You gotta kill the time. The first thing you do is you inscribe your initials on the urinal. Then they run a little bit, then you wet down the entire urinal. "Wet down! Wet down! Wet down entire urinal! Cover all of the dry spots! Gotta get 'em all! Every one! Gotta look, see if the light is shining." Then..Then and only then are you allowed to go after the cigarettes at the bottom of the urinal! Targets of opportunity! Yeah. You had to break up them cigarettes. Field strip 'em, my friend. Camels and Luckys were easy...but a Kent with a micronite filter. Takes three guys and a keg of beer. "C'mon guys! Hey...c'mon. Let's go, man"
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