[Crazy Bacon Legs]

Here's the thing: I am special.

I have a special disease that causes blood to leak from my ear canals almost constantly. It gets worse the more alarmed I am. For example, one day I was walking down the street, blood gently trickling from my ears into the special cups I have to collect and recycle it, when a car unexpectedly honks its horn behind me. Well, let me tell you: that small trickle suddenly turned into a gushing fount. Sadly, there was a little old lady walking by me and the next thing she knows, she is coated with a thick stream of my ear blood. Unfortunately, this caused me to become even more alarmed.

Next thing I know, blood is shooting everywhere: onto the awning of the bakery I was passing by, onto a passing cyclist, and again onto the old lady as I spun in a frantic circle. My collection device was useless, because the pressure from my ear-holes was unbelievable by this point. Blood was shooting damn near half way across the street on my left side, and onto the brick wall next to me on the right, where it made what looked suspiciously like a red painting of a rhinoceros eating a pineapple. It was difficult to be sure that's what it actually looked like given the crimson carnage that was emanating from my ear canals by this point in time, and I never once thought to snap a photo. I finally cupped my hands around my ears and ran, blood shooting out from between my fingers in every direction and really badly frightening a small family of ducks.

What was I talking about? Sometimes I lose up to 40 litres of blood a day from my ears, and that's on a good day. So don't you dare try to tell me I'm not special.