Personally, this is a case where creative sentencing should come into play.
"The court orders the defendant to have this large cactus (gasps abound in the courtroom) placed inside his rectum. After which every member of Major League Soccer will take 10 connecting penalty kicks at his posterior. The defendant will be responsible for cleaning up his blood and/or feces afterwards. Court is adjourned."
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Don't fear me. Trust me.
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