[driveway]

The following will invariably run through my head at some point whenever I'm walking to work:

An alien spacecraft appears on Earth, hovering menacingly above a major city, presumably the city I'm in, although occasionally it will appear over a world capital like London, New York or Washington. The spacecraft does not respond to any attempts to communicate for several days, it simply hovers there not unlike the multiple crafts in Independence Day, but there is only the one.

Eventually, a singal is received, the spacecraft begins to broadcast a series of faces, human faces. There are about twelve people, their faces played over and over again, broadcast on several channels and projected via a kind of hologramatic projector into the air infront of the hovering vessel. The faces seem random, an elderly Asian woman, a young African man, a middle-aged man who appears middle eastern and wears the uniform of an Army, a stunning blonde, and then me.

Over and over these people's faces are broadcast to the world and, within hours reports start piling in that people can identify the faces, one by one the twelve people are identified and brought to the major city over which hovers the spacecraft. We're assembled, twelve people chosen seemingly at random from across the globe and presented to this alien ship. A door opens, or a beam of light, or we simply vanish. Three days pass. The ship remains, the broadcasts stop.

Suddenly we are returned, the door opens again or the beam of light sends us back. We know now what it is we have to do.

We have to represent the human race to a pan-galactic council. Humanity has reached a level of technological development which entitles us to admission to space-faring society, however, it has been demonstrated in the past that simply allowing races into this society, or allowing separate factions to 'bring up' their own races leads to discord, violence, xenophobia and genocide. And so we are to be tested. The consequence for failure, of course, is eradication.

The toll it takes on a biosphere elevating a species to sentience is staggering, but life-bearing planets are rare and precious. If we are found wanting, humanity will be completely decimated that, in millions of years, another race might evolve on Earth to join the great interstellar civilization.

We, the twelve people chosen at random have been given a few weeks to prepare, say our goodbyes and speak to the world. Of the twelve, I am the only native English speaker, leading to a frenzy of media attention, desperate to get to know this person who will be pleading the case of humanity. I have the opportunity to speak to Heads of State, Leaders of Governments, leading minds in the fields of Science and the Arts.

And I decide to grant my first television interview to Fox News. While many people who know me have spoken to the media already, this will be my first appearance, the first time I speak to people in my own words and give them the opportunity to get to know the one person they are culturally similar to who will be going on this incredible journey.

So I get to sit down with a panel of the most conservative, most outspoken members of the Fox News team, Hannity, Coulter, maybe even Palin is sitting there, at my request.

And I take full advantage, letting them know in no uncertain terms that the person who will be pleading their case is a stone-cold Atheist, pinko liberal bleeding heart socialist. I rag on their ideas, religion and viewpoints, laugh at their suggestions and generally make like I'm a complete ass, just to watch their stupid faces.

Then, of course I sail off into the stars, end up romantically involved with the sunning Russian blonde and eloquently plead the case of planet Earth and its denizens to the Galactic Council. We return to great fanfare and I get to rub the success of liberal humanitarian values in the stupid faces of conservatives everywhere.

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also, I stack my change according to size in my pocket.