[CaptainCrunch]

Two stories from my hell raiser days.

Back when there was a strip bar called Peeper's south. I was there with a friend on my way to getting completely blasted while over tipping a hot Australian stripper named Candy Shaw. My friend started getting shoved around and in my drunken state grabbed a hold of one of the attackers and dragged him outside. A small shuffle occurred and I had him in a bad position where he was on his knees in front of me holding onto my leg like Jarrko Ruttu and I started windmill punching him in the face.

I felt a tap on the shoulder and a polite voice said "Ok, he's had enough let him go" I answered with a profanity that ended with the word off and kept punching him. I felt another tap on my shoulder and the polite voice said "If you hit him again I'm hitting you with this" I'm in a rage, how dare he interrupt the greatest fight of my life. I spun around and took a step to see one of Calgary's finest holding up the old beating stick. He was very polite as he tossed me in the back of the police car for a ride down to the old drunk tank.

A couple of years later, I'm with the same friend and we got loaded in a bar in Red Deer. Instead of driving we decided to stumble over to his house to sleep it off. Of course being loud and obnoxious as usual, we pretty much woke up the neighborhood. A police cruiser drove up and the officers got out and started quizzing us. They then asked for ID which we gave them to run through their computers. The cops came back and told me I was free to go, my friend had to go with them to deal with an outstanding warrant.

Of course ever the diplomat, I tried to appeal to their sense of fair play.

"Please sir, just let me get him home, and I'll bring him in tomorrow to deal with the warrant" Which probably came out as "Ugg, fraggin, blather, frap, I gotsta puke"

The very nice officer threw my friend in the car and he turned to me and said "Start walking, if you say one more word your going to jail with him"

To which I gathered my debating skills raised my index finger and said "But . . ."

The drunk tank isn't exactly the best place in the world, and the breakfast was terrible, but someday i can proudly say that I was arrested for saying one word.