[Frank the Tank]

My story from several months ago:

Many moons ago when I first signed up after months of lurking, there was a certain "right of passage" wherein new members were asked to read two classic stories. One involved a public bus in Ecuador(?) and a very dirty, smelly ######ed pre-teen local kid smearing his nose jelly all over the bus to the horror of the storyteller. (I can't remember who, maybe Hulkrogan?) The second involved Reggie or Lanny I think and a very unfortunate Ponderosa bathroom incident where both ends were evacuating at the same time.

My point? As "grown up" as i try to be, stories like these crack me up beyond all beleif. The grosser, more vile and more unintentional, the better for me. My wife CONSTANTLY reminds me that I have the sense of humour of a 13 year old. Ah, its good to be a man.

I happily read the stories, laughing uncontrolably for days, all the time thinking to myself "Oh I hope I can witness something as grand as these two stories one day".

Well my friends, that day has arrived and I will share with you the funniest snot story I have ever witnessed. Be warned!

Things at work are at the start of our traditional slow period, so there are lots of extra days off and such, half days, things like that. My job rocks. Well, I come in the other morning, read the paper for two hours and the boss tells me to get the hell outta here. Not one to argue, I bolt for the door. I jump in my car and realize that the wife and the son are out all afternoon doing "mommy play group" stuff so i have a few choices. I can go home and cut the lawn and work around the house, or, I can make some calls and convince some of my slacker friends to take the afternoon off. I call my buddy Mike, who is a lawyer and basically sets his own schedule, and tell him my good news. He informs me that he will gladly take the afternoon off and suggests that we hit the movies after lunch as i haven't been out to a movie since my son was born. (10 months)

I pick up Mike at his fancy-pants law office and we head out for lunch. Its the usual lunch-banter, "how is the boy?", "good", "how is your girlfriend?", "good", "wow are waitress has an awesome bum", you know, the usual.

We hit the theatre and jump in line for tickets. There are maybe half a dozen people in line and we all kind of bottleneck at the usher taking the ticket stubs as he is unusually slow. Then it happened. The moment I had been waiting for. The payoff.

Now for whatever reason, all of this seemed to happen in slow motion for me. It was one of those times like when I have an "on" game at pickup, everything slows down, I can see things before they happen and I'm pulling Iginla-esque moves out of my behind. Needless to say, those moments are few.

Mike and I are chatting in line, watching the usher, trying to guage our "get your ticket ready" moment when the usher reaches out to take the next guys ticket. Its millimeters from his hand when buddy handing him the ticket has one of those "no warning" sneezes and a four foot long string of snot FLIES out of the guys nose right for the ushers hand with the velocity of a Tomahawk missle! The usher recoils in horror, throwing his hands up and jumping back, buddy has no idea what to do and tries to catch the Tomahawk snot in his hand, but at this point it is so long that his arms aren't long enough to corral the spawn of satan dangling from his nose. He runs down the hall to exorcise his demon and the usher just looks at Mike and I with that WTF just happened? look on his face.

Mike and I were both crying we were laughing so hard and had to miss the previews of our movie because we couldn't stop laughing.

Immature? Yes. Juvenile? Yes. Funny? Hell yes!

I told my wife and she looked at me in disgust and said "boys are gross".

I then proceeded to strip naked and show her how I can clap with no hands. (I keed, I keed)