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HawkEGoon · 11-11-2009, 07:00 PM

HHHmmm Job hunting strategies...I might have some...remember 100's or maybe 1000's of other applicants want the same job, so you gotta stand out.

Conventional Advice: Research the company beforehand
Unconventional Advice: Research the sh@t out of the company beforehand
Try asking around hacker circles on the Internet for advice on how to break into the company’s servers. Look for information on the company’s financial situation, secret recipes and, in the case of Target, their history of ritual slayings tied to the Winter solstices. See if you can find out personal information about your interviewer themselves - knowing what hobbies he has and claiming you have the same is a great way to establish a bond. How strong is his marriage? Consider sleeping with his wife to establish another common bond.
“Well, I’d have to guess reading, jogging and sticking it to your wife. Ha ha ha! High five brother! Seriously though, she’s got some daddy issues, hey?”

Conventional Advice: Look professional

Unconventional Advice: Look interestingYou want your outfit to cause your interviewer to think, “Holy fook, I bet this guy has some good stories.” The daily grind of office life can get a bit boring, so having someone in the office who’s really knowledgeable about highway rest-stop culture or your town’s Malay machete fighting scene will add a real air of excitement to the work day. Here’s some ideas for outfits that should give you an idea of the potential here:

Naked
Sandwich Board warning of doom/incredible savings
Covered in feces (yours)
Covered in feces (local politician’s)
Batman
Batman covered in feces (yours)

Conventional Advice: Arrive early
Unconventional Advice: Break in to the office overnight, and sleep under a desk
By arriving 10 minutes early you show that you’re punctual, and respect your interviewer’s time. Of course, you get absolutely no bonus points for doing this, but do get to sit at the front of the office for 10 minutes like a dork, reading out of date trade magazines while the receptionist avoids making eye contact with you, and texts all her friends about the dork her company isn't hiring.
By showing up for your interview way before any sane or law abiding person would, you demonstrate just how much you’re interested in this job; an interest which clearly transcends all norms of sanity or legality (Warning: this is not legally true. Or any other type of true.) More importantly, you also get a chance to imprint the office with your scent, allowing everyone to become comfortable with you before your start date. Hiring managers agree that there’s something about the fetid odor of sweat, seman and urine which screams “team-playing self-starter.”

Conventional Advice: Never criticize your past employer
Unconventional Advice: Criticize the fock out of them
If you’re seeking a job in the same industry as your past employment, then your previous employer is likely a competitor of this company. By demonstrating a shared dislike for this competitor, you’re sure to ingratiate yourself. Be careful you don’t come across as bitter though. Instead, you want to give the impression that you’re a concerned citizen who could no longer stand idly by with all that beastiality and sloppy accounting practices going on unreported. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate. Phrases like “laundered Nazi gold,” or “elbow deep in sheep,” help make stories memorable.

I got more tips if you'd like to hear 'em let me know. I'm here to help.

11-11-2009, 07:00 PM	#20
HawkEGoon Draft Pick Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: 'tween da pipes	HHHmmm Job hunting strategies...I might have some...remember 100's or maybe 1000's of other applicants want the same job, so you gotta stand out. Conventional Advice: Research the company beforehand Unconventional Advice: Research the sh@t out of the company beforehand Try asking around hacker circles on the Internet for advice on how to break into the company’s servers. Look for information on the company’s financial situation, secret recipes and, in the case of Target, their history of ritual slayings tied to the Winter solstices. See if you can find out personal information about your interviewer themselves - knowing what hobbies he has and claiming you have the same is a great way to establish a bond. How strong is his marriage? Consider sleeping with his wife to establish another common bond. “Well, I’d have to guess reading, jogging and sticking it to your wife. Ha ha ha! High five brother! Seriously though, she’s got some daddy issues, hey?” Conventional Advice: Look professional Unconventional Advice: Look interestingYou want your outfit to cause your interviewer to think, “Holy fook, I bet this guy has some good stories.” The daily grind of office life can get a bit boring, so having someone in the office who’s really knowledgeable about highway rest-stop culture or your town’s Malay machete fighting scene will add a real air of excitement to the work day. Here’s some ideas for outfits that should give you an idea of the potential here: Naked Sandwich Board warning of doom/incredible savings Covered in feces (yours) Covered in feces (local politician’s) Batman Batman covered in feces (yours) Conventional Advice: Arrive early Unconventional Advice: Break in to the office overnight, and sleep under a desk By arriving 10 minutes early you show that you’re punctual, and respect your interviewer’s time. Of course, you get absolutely no bonus points for doing this, but do get to sit at the front of the office for 10 minutes like a dork, reading out of date trade magazines while the receptionist avoids making eye contact with you, and texts all her friends about the dork her company isn't hiring. By showing up for your interview way before any sane or law abiding person would, you demonstrate just how much you’re interested in this job; an interest which clearly transcends all norms of sanity or legality (Warning: this is not legally true. Or any other type of true.) More importantly, you also get a chance to imprint the office with your scent, allowing everyone to become comfortable with you before your start date. Hiring managers agree that there’s something about the fetid odor of sweat, seman and urine which screams “team-playing self-starter.” Conventional Advice: Never criticize your past employer Unconventional Advice: Criticize the fock out of them If you’re seeking a job in the same industry as your past employment, then your previous employer is likely a competitor of this company. By demonstrating a shared dislike for this competitor, you’re sure to ingratiate yourself. Be careful you don’t come across as bitter though. Instead, you want to give the impression that you’re a concerned citizen who could no longer stand idly by with all that beastiality and sloppy accounting practices going on unreported. Don’t be afraid to exaggerate. Phrases like “laundered Nazi gold,” or “elbow deep in sheep,” help make stories memorable. I got more tips if you'd like to hear 'em let me know. I'm here to help. __________________ The crease is my home....I'm not lookin' for a room mate. Last edited by HawkEGoon; 11-11-2009 at 07:05 PM. Reason: I'm foul-mouthed and I write like I talk.