I have known 4 people who committed suicide. One, myself and 6 others saw her socially for the entire evening prior to her committing suicide. She exhibited no symptoms that any of us saw there was a problem, but the next morning, she shot herself. We did however find out later from her husband that she had recently been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and that she was undergoing therapy and treatment for it. These people are quite often very good at disguising their symptoms from the general public too.
At her funeral, someone who deals with suicide spoke to all gathered.
The first thing we were told, it is not your fault that this happened and it is not your fault if you never saw the signs and it is not your fault if you did see the signs but could not get help for the individual. There are many things in life that we have no control over.
The people who commit suicide are suffering from mental illness. Not they probably are suffereing from mental illness, but they ARE suffering from mental illness. As such, at that point in their lives, they do not have the mental capacity to realize that those left behind are the ones who suffer... not only do they grieve for the individual who is gone, but they suffer from guilt wondering if there was anything they could have done to prevent it. Many people will say those who commit suicide are selfish, what they really are is mentally ill.
And at that point in their lives, they do not have the mental capacity to actually see that they are suffering from a mental disorder....thus many will not seek counselling even though others might have suggested it to them. And in many cases, people close to the individual did see the signs, did get the person into counselling, did get the person on medication and did try to help in every way possible....but the suicide still happened.
Of course, suicide is not always inevitable. Many have been helped through this difficult period in their lives. But when dealing with mental illness, the medical field is just at the tip of the iceberg. So much has yet to be learned about mental illness before treatments become more effective and more routine. Mental illness causes so much pain to the individual that they see suicide as the only alternative to getting rid of that pain. It is sad that it is a fact that treating a physical malady is much eaiser than treating mental illness.
I hope you find peace and a way to get rid of your guilt. As someone else suggested, it is probably a good idea to get some grief counselling.
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