Without a doubt you have a parasite that crawled up your pee-pee. The doctor's will have to use a catheter to extract the little bugger, and he's probably got spines all over him so he'll rip up your urethra on the way out. Should be quite lovely. I'm not sure if you could do it yourself, I've never tried.
Seriously.. go to a freaking doctor!
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Who is in charge of this product and why haven't they been fired yet?
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