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Trojan97 · 03-19-2008, 01:55 PM

Hi All. Seeing as how it wouldn't be a normal week in the OT forum without a "girl problem" thread, I figured I'd bite and see what the collective wisdom of CP has to say about the topic of codependency.

Background:
My ex-gf grew up in a disfunctional home with an EXTREMELY guilt tripping father. He's the type to look at her 90% report card and say "well 90% is good but 95% would be even better" or if she didn't complete a chore to his statisfaction, he would guilt her about how disapointed he was in her that she didn't do it properly. The mom on the other hand was the polar opposite, very liberal and enabling, she would do the daughters chores for her rather then bother asking. As you can imagine there were plenty of arguments between the parents, something my ex obviously hated being so young. Anyways, suffice to say, her parents split up before she reached her teens which led to her being shuttled between the two parents. Despite the split, the dad has never paid child support and would always make my ex promises to make up for it and then never follow through. She grew up a very sad little girl who couldn't trust her daddy.

After talking to friends of hers I found out that she has been in relationships almost non-stop since the day she turned 16. When one fails, she would immediately rush out and find someone new.

When she moved to Calgary, we quickly hit it off. After a few dates it was obvious to see how much chemistry we had together and how happy we were together. We began dating soon after.

Fast forward:
My ex and I broke off a two year relationship in January after a stressful couple of months that led to me suggesting that it would be for the better if we took some time apart as the petty arguments were becoming much too frequent for my liking.

I am 22 & she she recently turned 20. Throughout the two years of being together we went through a ton. My dad passed away unexpectedly, we traveled to Thailand together, we took lots of trips to Montreal, Vancouver, Toronto etc. There was rarely a dull moment for us. We were a very compatible couple, we could do anything together and we would have a blast as we were completely comfortable with one another, always entertaining one another with stupid jokes etc. etc.

I found out in late February that she has started dating someone new. I got a call this weekend from her at 4:00am screaming and in tears that she needed me to pick her up on 17th because her new guy had kicked her out of his place after she had heard some suspicious voicemails on his phone and accused him of lying to her (yadda yadda yadda is all I'm hearing, hard to feel sorry for someone who rushes into relationships with sketchy characters like this) but I was obviously terrified that something might happen to her alone on 17th at that time so I rushed to pick her up. I found out that she is planning on staying with the new guy despite the events of the weekend. In my opinion, she's doing this to try and somehow prove that she can have a "healthy" relationship with someone else besides me, since I was the only sane (for the most part) relationship she's ever had.

Anyways, It is obvious that she needs help. Her codependency on males is hindering her from achieving her vast potential and it scares me that she might end up trapped in this vicious cycle and end up falling through the cracks. I still absolutely love her regardless of whether we're a couple or not and it kills me to see her settling for random guys who want one thing from her. Unfortunately, she is too immature to see these people for who they are and when I try and bring it up casually with her, she rebuffs me and acts like I'm only saying it because I can't deal with her being with other guys. I honestly thought being with a stabilizing presence like myself for 2 yrs would change her. But it appears she is right back to where she was before we dated.

I don't know whether this is something that only she can deal with or whether there is something I may be able to do to help her out. Alot of people have walked out on her in her life and let her down and I care too much to do that to her. But at the same time, she makes it very difficult for anyone to reach out and help her because of her stubbornness.

Anyways, if anyone made it to the end of this novel, does anyone have experience dealing with a codependant person? any stories, advice or suggestions on how I can potentially go about helping her would be appreciated.

I know it sounds like she's a mess but she is smart, beautiful and has a great heart. It's just the decisions she makes sometimes completely screw her over. It's heartbreaking to watch.

Thanks!

03-19-2008, 01:55 PM	#1
Trojan97 First Line Centre Join Date: Jan 2004 Exp:	How to help someone who is codependant? Hi All. Seeing as how it wouldn't be a normal week in the OT forum without a "girl problem" thread, I figured I'd bite and see what the collective wisdom of CP has to say about the topic of codependency. Background: My ex-gf grew up in a disfunctional home with an EXTREMELY guilt tripping father. He's the type to look at her 90% report card and say "well 90% is good but 95% would be even better" or if she didn't complete a chore to his statisfaction, he would guilt her about how disapointed he was in her that she didn't do it properly. The mom on the other hand was the polar opposite, very liberal and enabling, she would do the daughters chores for her rather then bother asking. As you can imagine there were plenty of arguments between the parents, something my ex obviously hated being so young. Anyways, suffice to say, her parents split up before she reached her teens which led to her being shuttled between the two parents. Despite the split, the dad has never paid child support and would always make my ex promises to make up for it and then never follow through. She grew up a very sad little girl who couldn't trust her daddy. After talking to friends of hers I found out that she has been in relationships almost non-stop since the day she turned 16. When one fails, she would immediately rush out and find someone new. When she moved to Calgary, we quickly hit it off. After a few dates it was obvious to see how much chemistry we had together and how happy we were together. We began dating soon after. Fast forward: My ex and I broke off a two year relationship in January after a stressful couple of months that led to me suggesting that it would be for the better if we took some time apart as the petty arguments were becoming much too frequent for my liking. I am 22 & she she recently turned 20. Throughout the two years of being together we went through a ton. My dad passed away unexpectedly, we traveled to Thailand together, we took lots of trips to Montreal, Vancouver, Toronto etc. There was rarely a dull moment for us. We were a very compatible couple, we could do anything together and we would have a blast as we were completely comfortable with one another, always entertaining one another with stupid jokes etc. etc. I found out in late February that she has started dating someone new. I got a call this weekend from her at 4:00am screaming and in tears that she needed me to pick her up on 17th because her new guy had kicked her out of his place after she had heard some suspicious voicemails on his phone and accused him of lying to her (yadda yadda yadda is all I'm hearing, hard to feel sorry for someone who rushes into relationships with sketchy characters like this) but I was obviously terrified that something might happen to her alone on 17th at that time so I rushed to pick her up. I found out that she is planning on staying with the new guy despite the events of the weekend. In my opinion, she's doing this to try and somehow prove that she can have a "healthy" relationship with someone else besides me, since I was the only sane (for the most part) relationship she's ever had. Anyways, It is obvious that she needs help. Her codependency on males is hindering her from achieving her vast potential and it scares me that she might end up trapped in this vicious cycle and end up falling through the cracks. I still absolutely love her regardless of whether we're a couple or not and it kills me to see her settling for random guys who want one thing from her. Unfortunately, she is too immature to see these people for who they are and when I try and bring it up casually with her, she rebuffs me and acts like I'm only saying it because I can't deal with her being with other guys. I honestly thought being with a stabilizing presence like myself for 2 yrs would change her. But it appears she is right back to where she was before we dated. I don't know whether this is something that only she can deal with or whether there is something I may be able to do to help her out. Alot of people have walked out on her in her life and let her down and I care too much to do that to her. But at the same time, she makes it very difficult for anyone to reach out and help her because of her stubbornness. Anyways, if anyone made it to the end of this novel, does anyone have experience dealing with a codependant person? any stories, advice or suggestions on how I can potentially go about helping her would be appreciated. I know it sounds like she's a mess but she is smart, beautiful and has a great heart. It's just the decisions she makes sometimes completely screw her over. It's heartbreaking to watch. Thanks!