[Eastern Girl]

Originally Posted by Antithesis

Elle, I realize I've probably never really addressed you directly so this might be weird, but bravo to you for, I think, being the only person in here coming close to looking at this situation in full (at least those who think her having this charlatan over isn't a big deal - and I think we can all agree he's a charlatan, can't we? )

Not all weird. It's a discussion board, we are allowed, and sometimes even encouraged to address each other. I will add that your post is quite good and I will attempt to respond to it with the same thoughtfulness you put into yours.

I think one of the key things that need to be considered in this situation is although rube and this girl have only been dating for two months, he's stated at very least that his interpretation of it is that the relationship is a little more serious than an 'average' relationship of this length. I understand perfectly well where he's coming from here ... as an anecdote, my wife and I met in a dorm at University so we saw each other each and every day ... so I know full-well how serious a two-month relationship can be.

As you have acknowledged, I have already admitted to thinking that she should have discussed it with him, or considered his feelings on the subject more diligently.

And with regards to the seriousness of the relationship, as I said in another post, I don't think there's a set time frame about when a relationship becomes serious or a person becomes trustworthy, so I think we just might be in agreement there.

As such, is it not appropriate to think that there needs to be a little self-sacrifice on her part here (or at least consideration of it?) I know that you are agreeing with this already, but many others are not. This isn't to say that she needs to "should stop considering her own wants" but rather that she should at least start considering her partner's wants, which it is pretty clear she isn't doing. There are so many alternatives here that could turn what is clearly a negative situation for her and rube's relationship into a positive:

- Invite herself over to his place for the night, if even to sleep in his bed while he is on the couch, being the gentleman he is,
- Invite rube to spend the night himself
- Invite rube to share the cost of a hotel room for the charlatan so he isn't in her apartment at least

The problem I have with her having to self sacrifice is, and I know I am probably going to get slammed for the use of a 'slippery slope' type argument, but where should she draw the line? Say she does self sacrifice, what if somewhere down the line, he (Rubecube) decides he finds it unacceptable for her to hang out with the guy at all. Is she supposed to cut off the relationship entirely?

It seems that most think that she has to sacrifice and acknowlegde that he has taken issue with this, but what about her feelings? Rubecube is essentially saying without explicitly saying that he doesn't trust her. Perhaps, he could do a little self sacrificing and use this as a situation to fully figure out whether she is trustworthy. Trust can be earned, let her try and earn it.

I'm surprised that people here are saying that he just needs to trust her or get out. He's clearly saying that this situation is making him uncomfortable, and relationships are not about accepting something you find unacceptable out of 'love' or whatever. One of the negatives (I suppose) about being in a relationship is that you need to consider another person's opinions and thoughts and take them into account when you make decisions. I understand the situation is completely different, but if I wanted to do exactly what rube's girl is and my wife said it would make her uncomfortable, I'd tell my friend that they had to find their own accomodations or we'd have to figure out an alternate arrangement, no questions asked. I'd never tell my wife, "oh you need to trust me".

Unfortunately, I think rube's been put into a classic Kobayashi Maru (unwinnable situation) ... either he can voice his displeasure more firmly and make her know that this is a significant problem for her, or he can accept what he considers unacceptable. I think it's pretty clear that her friend staying over is more important than his feelings which doesn't bode well for the relationship (sorry man). By the way, I reiterate that there is absolutely no way that she'd be OK with it were the situations reversed, especially when you add it all up:

- recently broke up with his girlfriend (REBOUND!)
- has fooled around with rube's girl in recent memory
- thought I saw on here that he has a history of disregarding the concept of monogamy
- rube's girl has a roommate and she is never around
- she didn't even give him the token, "If that's OK with you ..."

Again, I agree that in a relationship you have to consider the others feelings. But to me, hearing people list off the reasons why this girl will cheat is rather self defeating. It sounds like people figure she will definitely cheat if the guy stays over and if you really think that then what good is this relationship, because there is zero trust there...

All that being said, rube, you're a good guy, but saying, "I trust her, it's just that I don't trust him" comes off as just a nice way of saying, "I don't trust her". Unless you literally mean that you think he'll force himself on her - and you can't go through your life worrying about your SO getting raped by every male associate she has. If we're all being honest with eachother, what you're actually saying is, "I believe he will put the moves on her, and she will give in", which is the same as "I don't trust her".

Agreed. I don't think he trusts her which is why I was pushing for him to really think about things or perhaps give her a chance to earn his trust.