Thanks a lot Flashpoint!
I really appreciate it, I owe you one. Yeah, I didn't really have time to read over and find the grammatical mistakes because I had to run out and do some stuff today. I've read over it a bunch of times with most of your suggestions implemented, and it reads much easier now I think.
And for those concerned about plagiarism,these changes are grammatical and aren't at all changing the idea of the essay. Plus, if someone tried to steal the essay the teacher would laugh at them because we had to turn in what our exact thesis in the essay would be, so people couldn't do things like go on the internet and steal one. Also I'm going to show her and tell her that I posted it and asked for advice on it, just in case some jackass does try to turn it in.