[ricosuave]

Hi CPers.

Well, it may not seem like it to anyone else, but today is a very important day. It's the day that finally I admit to myself after ~10 years that I am suffering from deep depression and find somewhere to turn.

I can't even pin it down to one or two things. I am spinning my wheels in the mud in a vain attempt to gain control of what was once my life.

Self doubt and worth are at an all time low now. Its not as though it was ever really that high to begin with, but now, I see myself as nothing but a fragile shell of was once a semi-confident person. I have huge issues with society as a whole, and day-to-day life in a place like Calgary is just asking to be stepped on. I would sooner go live on an island alone somewhere rather than face the artificial relationship that most friendships and work relationships tend to be, all superficial and self directed, without a thought to anyone else.

Of course, I have my moments of up as well as downs, but they are fewer and farther between now. I have always prided myself at being able to solve problems, and for a time, I thought I actually thought I could solve this. Its obvious to me now that I cannot.

I have spoken with some professionals about this briefly - they really havent told me anything that I didn't already suspect or know. I have an appointment this week with a new Dr, maybe that will make a difference.

The strange part of all this is I cant even begin to say why I posted this. Maybe I thought that it might be theraputic if I typed it out or something. Maybe I thought that someone here might actually give a damn, the ability of which I lost a while ago, and try to help.

Some days, I dont even want to do anything, and those things that I do do, are not healthy. I know they arent. but I cant help it, I have locked myself into a downward spiral, and am struggling to get out.

I should be happy. I have things that some, if not most people, would be grateful for. I have a loving and supportive wife who has tried her best to help, guide, support and tolerate me at my lowest. I know deep down that I am the sort of decent person that I think I am, but there are also times and situations where I doubt even that, because of the cloud that hangs there.

CPers, I didnt mean to get anyone else down, I think I just needed to get it out to someone and admit it.

Now the next step will be to admit it to my family, who will probably be shocked at the revelation, or maybe they already know. I have become pretty good at putting on a face, maybe too good.

I know that there are a lot of facets to this problem, some easy, some hard, some intertwine with others, and I hope to have the strength to face some of them.

If you are still here, thanks for listening. I hope to be back soon.